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Dear N,
I told J that I felt you were better off without me. To argue she said the same thing. and honestly i think its true both ways. i deserved better. i loved you wholeheartedly and sacrificed everything for you even if it burnt bridges with other people. thankfully without you gone, i am now able to rekindle relationships and understand myself too. but to relate back to what i said, i think you're better off without me because you didn't want a relationship and you thought you hid it well.
i knew when you started to hate me and despise me. i tried to love you harder and make myself more easy to love but that was impossible. i was always worthy of love and feeling love, but i just gave it to the wrong person. after two months of breaking up you think of me a few times a day every now and then, but i think of you all the time even when i'm busy. i told J that my experience of our breakup was debilitating. while for you it was revitalizing. i wish you got to experience it through my eyes. but i know that i need to change my perspective and stop focusing on the wrong things.
i can survive without you. i can live a fulfilling life without you. i just miss the ability to share my life and learn about another's story with life, love, and laughter. i miss hearing your voice and feeling your hands intertwined with mine. i miss hanging out with you and watching movies with you. i forgot the mannerisms we used to do, but when i remember them it's like my whole world stops and i'm transported back to the times that you still loved me wholeheartedly. it seems so long ago.
sometimes i hate you for how well off you are now. i hate that you don't feel bad talking to me. i hate that you're okay with just being friends. i'm bitter that you're "winning" in this break up. you're getting healthy while i'm rotting away busy in school. oh well, right? i have things to look forward to, too.
i plan to get over you. and if you come back i'll try my best to not take you back. if i let you in and you hurt me again, i wouldn't hesitate to cut you out of my life indefinitely. i deserve more than the bullshit you showed me. i'm going to move forward and one day i won't think of you at all or maybe even less. overall, i will live my life and be the best that i can be without you.
goodluck N.
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