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Why is it that I feel all these colours
When I don’t want to feel any at all
Why is it that I crave all this validation
When I don’t give a fuck at all
Why do I need to be perfect at everything for everyone
When I can’t do enough to be enough for myself
Why is it that I feel like a failure
when being viewed as an inspiration to few
Why is it that I can’t do it
Why can’t I be happy
Why can I force a smile so effortlessly
Why can I show that perfection doesn’t matter
Why can I show others that I’m a shell oh so hard but in reality I’m just waiting to fall apart
Waiting for someone to touch me, see me for who I am and know how it feels
How it feels to be everything to many but nothing to yourself
How it feels to dissapoint everyone
How it feels not being able to please everyone
How it feels to not live up to expectations
How it feels like to be less but show u r more
How it feels to fake confidence when ur just as fragile as any pencil
Showing that the little things do not matter
but im just lying
Showing that Im perfectly fine
But I just had the worst breakdown just a few seconds ago
Seem happy?
Lies.
Seem satisfied?
Lies.
Seem confident?
ALL FUCKING LIES.
I am not different from anyone
I am just a teenager trying to make it though
Trying to get someone to listen to me
Trying to speak my fucking thoughts honestly without feeling judged
Trying to be happy
And trying to fucking make it.
I aspire to be eveything for everyone but the most for myself.
I want to do so much, explore so much, experience life, meet new people, make my parents proud, finding “my people”
Wanting so much but thinking its okay to give all that up because of a small fucking reason, hurts.
Cuz that isn’t a small reason for me
That destroyed me
Why tho? Why did it bother me so much when it was not supposed to? Why did I react like that? Why did I have a panic attack over it? Why was it difficult to breathe? Why am I overthinking this? Is this a never ending loop? Will I always feel like a disappointment? Will I be able to reach where I want to? Will I be able to make my loved ones proud? Will I be able to put a smile on my mothers face? Will I be able to live up to my fathers name? Will I be able to give my sister all those gifts I promised? Will I be able to see my grandfather salute me with teary proud eyes?
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