Dear …,

(FAKE NAMES)

I fell in love with a boy in September- November of 2019 at the time that I’m writing this now it’s 8:50pm October 30th of 2023. 4 years later and I’m still in love with this boy. My love is patient gentle and kind. But as a person I’m impatient. I’m not writing this to call out his flaws or mine. This will be different from everything I’ve even written. Bc this will be my raw and true side of our story. Sometimes I wish to say “Ashton. I think that maybe in a past life we were meant to be” or maybe I’m childish for believing such things. Both to his face and behind his back I’ve let my frustration get the best of me. My friends always say that I’m the most experienced in the category of dating and love. But I think that’s far from the truth. When I met Ashton in the 6th grade I was sure that he was my person. I really liked him but I know deep down he didn’t feel the same but I ignored every fiber of soul in my body telling me that was true. So I pursued him despite the many times he proved and showed to me that he simply didn’t gaf bout me frl and that he was uninterested. But I couldn’t never hate his for that because a person’s feelings can’t be simply changed by just the other persons feelings alone. 7th grade was our actual year of no contact… but I was a lier.. I lied to myself and everyone else around me to protect myself and hide myself away from the world. I spent that whole year thinking about a boy.. a boy named Ashton that made me hate myself so much more because they didn’t feel the same. I don’t know why I was so emotionally connected to what really was a 6th grade crush. A crush that still meant something to me. 8th grade I had just figured that I should let that one boy go. ATP I thought that I hated his guts. How could one person hate me so much to treat me they way that they did. In my opinion I wasn’t never the prettiest girl. EVER. But I didn’t think I deserved what I felt at the time. Sometime in November I got a follow from some instagram account that reminded me of him but I thought nothing of it. November 20 somethenth I got a message from that account and I had asked who it was and he was like “an old friend, Ash” and sent a picture. I don’t think I even told anyone..: but I cried looking at that message for a long time. I always said that if he ever texted me I would either block him or play him but I always knew I would never do it. But I also never expected him to message me. I don’t remember my response but we did start back talking and he make it clear that he wanted a relationship with me. He showed it in more ways that one. I remember he changed his username on instagram to @me_and_my_bby_carmen honestly the sweetest thing ever. We was always texting and face timing it never felt awkward or uncomfortable just me and him. And I loved every second of it. He came over to my house as much as he could and bonded with my mom, grandmother and siblings. (My grandmother loved/loves him and to me that’s very important. Not to long ago I lost my grandmother . She was the most important person to me. On her last days on her own death bed she chose to remember Ashton’s birthday and it was important to her that I made sure that I told him she said happy early birthday.) But at the time I refused to make it official with him because I was scared that he would do exactly what he did in the 6th grade. January 1st of 2021 we made it official. That day I was so happy I couldn’t help but smile the whole month of January was great. I loved spending every moment I could talking to him. During that time I was 100% sure that he was who I wanted to marry. I never pictured myself to get married cus in my eyes I was the ugliest person ever. I felt like a big ugly ass slob that didn’t deserve love. But Ashton treated me like a queen that deserved nothing more than to be loved. Maybe that’s why I fell as hard as I did during that particular time. I never questioned that he was cheating on me he never made me second doubt myself or him. February came and I felt he was getting too close to a female friend but he said that it was none of my business and then changed his passwords so I could no longer see what they were talking about. I tried my hardest not to leave but he insisted that I needed to break up with him. I didn’t understand why he even went to far as to say that if I didn’t he would cheat but I was so desperate for his love and acceptance that I was willing to stay. Ig at some of time there was a break in everything and we were “broken up” but in my mind I didn’t care what he said he was mine and I couldn’t let him do. True delusion but that was wayyy before everyone made a trend out of being delusional so to me I was just me. He played along which helped me convince myself that everything was okay even when I knew it wasn’t. At the time I had a hard time with eating. I figured that he got tired of lying to me about me not being fat and me being pretty that he decided that he was done with me so I increased how much I starved myself. I convinced it was the only way to make him want me again. We had a good day and I decided that it was okay for me to eat. Then almost the moment after I finished eating he sent me 2-3 videos of the aftermath of him just getting done cutting himself. I’ve never been afraid of blood or even things related to that so I was just shocked and confused. And I was mad. But I wasn’t mad at him bc he cut I was mad at myself bc I thought that it was my fault and that he did it and sent it to me as a way to tell me that the whole incident was my fault. The next day he posted on his story that he would be going to the mental hospital. He never even told me specifically he just posted on his story about it. I asked him about it and we talked about him I told him that I loved him and he said that he loved me too. For the two weeks that he was in there I texted him pretty much every day to either tell him I loved him or to tell him about my day followed up with an I love you. When he got out I pretty much knew it cus he read my messages but never responded I texted and asked him about it and he told me that it’s his brother on his account and not him but I knew it was a lie immediately I pressed him about it and eventually he said he was done.. done with everything me included. I spent over an hour BEGGING AND PLEADING him to please not leave me. He even said he was moving to my city and would be going to my school so I never understood why it had to be that way and why we couldn’t be happy since from my understanding the whole problem in our relationship was because we were semi-long distance with occasional visits but it didn’t work. Nothing made him change his mind. I didn’t speak to him for a few weeks after that and didn’t see him at my school to I automatically assumed the absolute worst that maybe he really did kill himself. At first I cried other that thought then I felt as if the pressure of it all lifted off of my. I felt a sense of freedom I had never felt before. I stopped looking over my shoulder scared that I’d see him. Until one Tuesday I was sitting out on the court yard and looked up and there he was. Immediately it felt as if someone punched me in the chest and knocked every bit of wind out of me tears followed with heavy breathing the panic struck me and it struck me hard but I could do nothing but sit there and stare at him. Ashton.. my Ashton was standing only so far yet so close to me. I spent weeks stalking him. I felt like I was going crazy. By the end of the first week of him being there I knew exactly where he would be at all times. I took alternate routes just to see him.. but he ignored me. I waited for him in the spots I knew he would be but he never even looked at me. I wrote him notes and letters and had people deliver them but still nothing. He was even so petty to talk to my teacher while I was right there while completely ignoring my existence.. I flipped out.. I lost my cool. I yelled at him and his only response was “I was waiting for you to say something first” with a slight smile. I didn’t know what to say so I went back in the class. I remember laughing and giggling all day talking to Mrs.teacher about him, once I got on the bus I didn’t even dare to look at him bc I didn’t expect him to want to talk to me but to my surprise he called me over. He didn’t wear a hoodie while he was on the bus and I remember catching a glimpse of his arm. For the first time I seen cuts on his arm in person it broke my heart but I didn’t have the right to care. I thought things were going okay. He stopped avoiding me even though we didn’t talk and he still ignored me in school but it was enough for me. Until he got with my ex best friend. There’s not much I need to say on that tbh I’m still so angry I could punch a hole through that bitches head cus she knew how I felt about him. After that for the first time I blocked him. For the first time I wanted nothing to do with him he stopped showing up and I was more than happy to not see his face. I dated a boy in attempt to get over him. And entertained a few other boys to help. Got cheated on and I was miserable. Somehow we ending back on talking terms during the summer even tho I tried my best to not fall back in his loop. 9th grade came and we were still not tg . He went onto a school in a boarding city while I was still in my city. But on the Friday of the first week of school he walked me home from my school and honestly I was so happy at that moment. It was hot and he still chose to do that when I never even asked him to. September 18th is his birthday but when I wished him a happy birthday he never answered it wasn’t until late February that I received a text from him. During those almost 6 months I prayed and prayed that he was okay and that at the worst he was just in the mental hospital. To me that was the safest place for him to be. I contiplated going to his uncles house to ask about him. But I figured that would make me seen to crazy. I even found out his uncles business company’s number and called to see if I could get in touch with his uncle unfortunately I could not. Back on semi talking terms we went everything during that time is a blur but sometime during the summer our talking turns was good enough for him to say that he was ready to be in a relationship with me and I fell for it. We started back dating June 20th after I was home from camp and just only a week later I found out he was cheating on me and other girls. Dating for a week only to find out he was someone else’s for over a month. That shattered my heart to pieces. I cried and cried and criedd. I remember standing in the bathroom with a razor in one hand and one of my bottles of medicine sitting infront of me crying. I contemplated for a long time and eventually came to the conclusion that it wasn’t worth it. When he explained why he cheated on me with those girls I knew he was lying to me and still chose to stay. I was sooo desperate to make a relationship between him work that when I first found about it I was just gonna pretend like I never saw anything. But it wasn’t in my heart to keep my big ass mouth shut. And I still chose to stay. He ignored me I begged him everyday to just show me the time of the day but I got nothing. So I broke up with him for the first time in my life. And I still ended up running back to him and begging him to talk to him it was like that for a while until I gave up. I no longer beg him to text me. I no longer blow up his phone when he’s not answering fast enough. And tbh we just started back talking I know better than to become to comfortable with talking to him. Even when I want to talk to him I bite my tounge and keep my calm. Because I can’t handle the feeling of “when is he going to text back” “why isn’t he texting me” I can’t stand it. I feel that sometimes I shouldn’t even write about him and our so very few interactions. I just want to get high or drink so much that I can’t feel this anymore. I wanna be in a different dimension where everything with me and him is perfect I don’t wanna chase him anymore. For once I wanna know it feels to actually be wanted. Sometimes I want to send him songs to express myself but i know that he won’t gaf about it and probably will be confused so I just choose not to. But maybe for now this will be my last time writing about him for a while. I want to stop torturing myself with thoughts on how to be good enough for him. I just miss MY Ashton and not the Ashton both my mind and he has played himself out to be. Goodbye.