Will you come back?

Dear N,

Someone told me that you wanted to work on yourself and possibly reconnect with me in the future. I didn’t know how to feel about it because it seems as though I am slowly moving on from you. I also still dream about you even when I don’t want to. My subconscious misses you and I don’t blame it. Each dream I have is of us getting back together and I still have an inkling we might. I still think about you everyday. And it’s not always because I miss you. Sometimes I think of you because I’m angry of the things you did to me. I get angry cause I let you treat me like shit and I get angry that you couldn’t even give me a fraction of the love and care I deserved. I’m scared that once you come back, I won’t be the girl that fell for you. I’m scared I won’t want you back and that I won’t want any part of you in my life, that i so desperately previously wanted. It’s so stupid.

I still have hope that you might come back. I still hold onto the words you said when you told me a timeframe and I said I couldn’t hold on for that long and you asked how long I could hold on for. It’s tough. Love is such a gamble. The only way I’d allow myself to fall for you again is if you’d really changed. I want to be spoiled rotten and worshipped by the next person I fall in love with. I want to feel special everyday simply because I am me. I am learning how to be by myself and enjoy life. I don’t cry as often anymore so I’m really thankful for that. There were so many lessons from our relationship that I have grown to learn about. And although it was definitely the most painful one I’ve experienced in so long, it has always been worth it. I hope you’re well and tbh I dread knowing I have to see you. I’ve been trying to avoid you for quite a while now lol.