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First off I’m 43, Still single.
I think for the first time in my life, I have realized I have no idea what I want anymore.
What I want in life, what I want in a relationship, let alone what I want to work for.
I mean don’t get me wrong I have dreams. But even they are being clouded in reality.
Even being disabled, I have money in the bank, and a very nice nest egg building. I mean I’m no Bill Gates, but currently I have enough to survive for a good while before I need to worry of income stopped.
I just was lying here tonight realizing what do I even want anymore. I see things I like and I’d love to own or have, to just say no, not practical. Or I’d have to give up X to get it.
I’ve pretty much given up on dating or even looking. I really don’t know what I want in a partner. Other than just that a partner. Not a one sided relationship but one we work together for a common goal. One that shares interest.
I’ve just been so fiercely independent for so long. I have built up such a wall of defense, I have become so self sufficient I honestly don’t need anyone. And with the current movement on both sides lots of women my age are doing the same. Became so self sufficient they don’t need a man in their life to be happy.
I also am a hard one. Live with a condition that has no cure and will only continue to change my appearance and slowly take away my mobility and freedoms. And as that goes so does the increase in pain. I don’t want to put anyone thru having to take care of me like that, wiping my rear when I become chair bound. Having to do everything for me. I’d just assume to be put out of my misery when it comes to that point.
Only had one relationship that felt like it was going someplace. We were 2 peas on a pod and with here daughter even just after the 2 years we were together before tragedy struck lot of people thought her kid was ours and we’d had been married a long time. When they would find we were not engaged yet I was always told to hustle and get a rock on that finger. She was the only one that filled the cracks I had. And I filled hers. (Keep it clean folks it’s a metaphor). After the tragedy that took her and her daughter from me on the night I was to propose. I put my walls up.
Slowly my walls got bigger and thicker. Fewer close friends. Only kept people near me I could trust. I became more and more independent. Stopped really partying and focused on taking care of #1.
Even my last relationship suffered from it. Me being SS and my now ex was extremely needy. She relied on others far too much. She was smart but fell for some of the stupidest shit you’d ever see. Like she’d share the crap out of those scam posts on FB giving away homes and cars. Hell she never even bothered to go to drivers ed or even want to drive. I just don’t want to was her excuse. And even when I tried giving a lesson she just started crying. Mind you she was in her early 40s at the time. She lived in fantasy land a bit too much and even with cold hard facts about things she refuse to believe them because of she didn’t have the money someone else “family would pay” so she could blow here entire monthly pay, and not have enough for food, and her family would always pay or help. Mo the after month. And if I even thought of bringing it up, I’d get yelled at. So me being cautious and want to focus on Necessities and if money allowed a Niceity was okay not blow $2k on Niceities and need family to buy the Necessities. So closed that door.
In the last 3 years I have gone on probably 20 dates. One we went out for 6 months or so but she ended it after joining me to a friends summer party and by the end of the evening pretty much everyone was a bit drunk, myself included, she had a few white claws and felt me hanging with a bunch of drunks was not her ideal mate. Even though this party is a combination of about all of our birthdays that are in May June and July. Potluck , booze and fun. Heck I had hope because she befriended a friends wife and they were pretty much inseparable all night. Nope 8 am the next morning was a long ass text and ended it with don’t bother responding you are already blocked.
Last couple we hardly made it thru dinner.
So the walls continue to grow.
Fewer and fewer friends I trust. Ones that scratch my back i do theirs as well.
Tired of getting burned doing too many favors.
Tired of call me if you need mes to when I do the room is quiet enough to hear crickets.
I even needed serious help a few weeks ago, I needed a late night ride to the ER. I was in so much pain I couldn’t see straight. My mom can’t drive and my old man was still in rehab following open heart surgery. And my siblings are too far away.
Sadly I just had to drive myself. I honestly should have called 911 but last time I did they refused to transport because 1 I was stoned trying to get it under control and 2 pain due to illness is not an emergency needing transport. Taxi or Uber? No thanks. Again it’s me and my damn independence.
No one responded to messages or even posting to my Social media. But I posted when I got to the ER than oh heck 75 posts in response in a matter of mins. And lots of oh sorry o didn’t see your text or message. Oh bull shit.
So I am wrapping up one job on the side and have another that should take a few nights and then I’m done with it. Going to take the rest of the winter off and focus on me and getting some things I want done.
Heck I may even take a vacation. Someplace where I can stick my toes on the sand.
So maybe this is the door opening to something new. I honestly do t know what I want. It’s time for that thing to find me. And if it doesn’t ? Not going to worry about it anymore.
I’m done caring. If you can’t care about me in my time of need. Sorry. Too bad Charlie. This sucker is done.
To the ones that remain close and loyal thank you. A few people in particular. The one that’s been keeping me busy and my wallet with some walking money. The one is usually always there when I need an ear to bend. And the one that lets me use his shop for my antics in exchange for helping him and house sitting when they are away giving me a break away from my folks.
But to the ones that all they want me for is information or me as a body to fix shit you break and not pay me. Kindly pound sand.
I can almost feel the weight lifting and a bit of laughter. I don’t know what i want for once. I’ve got a clean slate ahead of me.
I’m Done looking. I’m done caring.
You take care of me…
I take care of you. It’s that simple.
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continue reflecting and one day your new "New" will emerge. If you really think about it. Everyone has gone through up and down. take it easy on yourself. You will be ok
ReplyThanks for sharing. This reminds us that we all need a point in time to reflect, reset and decide what's best for us in our next chapter.
Courtesy notice: the following includes a reference to a book that contains writings over 2000 years old which are mostly parables about human nature, both vile human nature as well as moral human nature, parables that are meant to teach us to learn and grow, including the teachings of Christ Jesus. No religion required, and better yet: no public displays of devotion required, although the former and latter are admirable if practiced freely out of one's own free will and without the threat of being beheaded. Some bullies will label this "trolling", so "change the channel" now if of no interest to you.
1 Thessalonians 5:11
Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.
Mark 12:28-31
And Christ Jesus said the 2 greatest commandments are:
Love God first and foremost.
Love your fellow-being as you love yourself.
From following or not following these, all good or evil cascades, respectively.
Love...that powerful, invisible, intangible force that cannot be denied; even atheists live and die by it.
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