The memories I forgot

Google has been pestering me with notifications that I already consumed majority of my google drive space. Since I have an upcoming out of country trip, I need to clean up some of the photos and videos. As I am reviewing the photos and videos I stored in my drive since 2019, I was able to have a trip down the memory lane.

I remembered all the memories my brain seem to push at the back of my head to protect me from any pain.

I remembered some of the moments in my life with the people I lost.

I remembered how wrecked I am when I was dating the last boyfriend I had.

I remembered the smiles I faked and the disrespect I endured from my family. For every insult I took and every foul word I heard.

I remembered the times I hated myself for the way I am. Those were the most difficult times of my life where the only thing I have are my cats. They saved me from my depression and suicidal thoughts. They were there when noone is.

I remembered the nights I shed my tears for every pain I took from the people I loved the most.

I also remembered the day I cut ties with all of them and decided to choose myself. The excruciating pain of letting them go to pick up the pieces of myself.

As I am remembering these things, my heart can't help but ache.

My heart aches not because of the people I lost, but because of the things I went through.

My heart cries for the moments that I chose to blame myself when things dont work out.

My heart cries for the moments I hated myself when the people I loved the most step on me, expressed their disappointment on me, gaslighted me and used my past to exploit me.

My heart cries for how wrecked my life is after I chose to be with the wrong people.

My heart cries for the good relationships I neglected to chase after the bad one.

My heart cries for wounded soul.

I thought that I am already done with this, but after what happened tonight, I realized that healing is truly a continuous process.

Just because you can no longer feel the pain from the wounds in your soul, doesn't mean that they are already healed. However, I also realized that loving and embracing yourself actually helps.

So yeah, tonight, I cried for myself to heal.