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I (27F) am nearly 4 years into a relationship with (52M) who is a combat vet with 8 tours. He was shot in the head and was in a coma. He was diagnosed with poly trauma and ptsd. He was married 4 times prior to me. 3 shorter term all ended in cheating. The last one was 16 years and she was physically, mentally, and emotionally immature and abusive to him. I try to be so patient as in my life I have experienced a lot of trauma not as physically but in major poverty and taken advantage of by many people. I dont really have a big circle and recently had to really distance myself from my mother and brother which have been the most important thing in my life always. Mother because she refuses to listen and berates my choices including my partner and fails to comminicate or respect. My brother is on an abusive relationship and makes poor choices. One of the most recent events I got physically hurt and my partner did almost too.
My partner just gets so angry sometimes. Like since the start always threatened to leave as soon as a tiny arguement came up. The last 8 months id say have been the worst.
We have planned sincs 2020 to move out of the country to his origin country. He has lost his business and a big portion of his income upon his divorce. I was not working but did get some small amount while in school. I am currently studying to get my license so I can work in that feild which pays like min25 an hour so we can save too move and ship our 5 small pets. I have never had money in life and feel its not easy to make like 20000 (which I dont think we even need that much as he says he has some assets out there too so the money needed is mostly to just get us there) and this is the first time in his life he has been without money. He grew up with wealth.
He has in his past attempted suicide and has always mentioned it but has been discussing more seriously that recently. We have had 2 big fights. 1 St a camping trip. I trying to be helpful but ended up being smothering put a lid on chicken cooking and accidentally put it out. This was after our "accomanying supposed friend just damaged our car" that pushed him over the edges and he thew beers and phone and called me every name he could berated me, threatened for hours like 3 and then wanted to leave me stranded at the lake. A few hours later he said what now. Not really appologies until I asked for it. Like I have to shape what he has to do to fix it. Usually I say we need to communicate before it gets to this point. And be each others partner rock not leaving.
2nd we had a mutual classmate that had life events happen and needed a place to stay. Partner got on touch with him and then after a few weeks of person there the 3 of us went to a bar. Partner snapped and was calling me names telling person they coupd fuck me claiming partner will go with his friends and fuck anyone. He never went, we got home and he told me too get out and even threw a fan at my head. I tried leaving and he followed me outside and tried to be calm and convince me too come back in. Then he continued to talk negatively for hours and then cried about his past. No self initiated apologies alkydscoming from im sure you font went this now and more negative phrases add if I am choosing to end things. I never once said it. I usually say something alonh tge lines of we need atleast 10 minutes of no communicationbecause we aren't getting anywhere but angrier and angrier. That justmakes him more madusually he then started PaliPalinpackinga bag and tells me how much I hold him back and am worthless.
were not intimate for a while after that and I told him he can be extremely negative but I need some grand gesture of good to help me feel better. I didnt see any. Still to this day. Sometimes he is more loving gives a good number of kisses and higs and tries to remember to say Gn and snuggle before bed. I do not know exactly what gesture is want I guess something to remember when I feel so alone and sad like he doesnt actually love me.. When I remember the fear i felt in those 2 big fights and all the rage. When I get sad because we discuss moving and having kids and family life a quiet life, then he gets angry sad stressed and switches immediately to things such as "if your are using me and find someone else good, always happens I will finally be free" or when his friend bring up said possibility he says the same. Never defense of me. It feels like on faith in actions I have done. My license maybe taking longer then others but I have been working on it. May income lower than others nothing r n but I was donating plasma to try and make ends meet and am working on a way to make enough income for us to go the path we want. I stay up late and have bad eating and excersise habits and always say I want to fix it but its hard to initiate after a few days I fall off and I dont feel he tries to remind or work with me on it. Just gets more and more angry then explodes. Even after we discussed exactly that a number times.
It feels so hard. Like I have no recognition or trust or support. I know nobody has that garunteed in this life but I just feel like discussing it sometimes with someone who doesnt have many skin in the game.
Ofcourse this is biased to my experience and opinion and there are more details left out but could use some positive advice and support. I do believe partner is a good man. He save many lives. Wanted and set up the best fit his kids and what I hear of his evil x wife. He tried to get along with and be a part of my family. He does help cook and clean and talks to me more than anyone he knows. I get sad and jealous maybe for not good reason when we are home and he comes and loves his dog and kisses and snuggle multiple times but rarely even makes eye contact with me. Or when he talks to old friends or we met new people and only talks of me is how we met our how we were both prior military. Then talks for atleast an hour or more about his x wife and the help she put him through. Our army days. Again not sure what exactly i need not kiss ass or agreeing with me to just agree. But sometimes i wish he'd just supports e me with words of love and appreciation. Like why he loves me and affirming we are working towards the same goal. Make me feel special. Am I just to immature and not being patient and not handling someones time well? I dont feel I do but thats usually what he expresses. Anyways thanks, have a good day.
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I see a lot of red flags. I don't think this is a good relationship for you and you would be better off leaving now and going off on your own. He is not going to change and your life will just get worse and worse. A lot of people are avoiding you now because you are choosing to stay with him. I bet they will help you leave. Your life is worth it. You deserve happiness. And i'm sure you can get someone better, this guy sounds like a loser. Good luck.
ReplyThank you for some input. I just went to clarify that my mom and brother did not distance from me, i did from them. Mom was telling me how I dont think for myself because of my political views have changed. I explain its because I have had more time to learn politics and form a view. And she decides to then got on social media and belittle and insult my partner and I. On a public platform. And then every time I try to talk to her she would just say I am not a psychologist or unrealistic. Instead of addressing any of the real issues. And my brother like I said is in an abusive relationship. His bitch was actually waiving a loaded gun at him. He called me. I went over there too get their infant son. And then get punched by his bitch. My bro comes and within seconds back in the parking lot with the bitch till my mom come to get him. Then bitch and her sister jump me again and throw a rock at me and partner.. And my bro just goes back home too psycho that night. So I had to distance myself from them both. He wants to do businesses with me and help many communities and has supported me for 3 years to get my license.
ReplyI hope you realize that you are with a serial marrier which isn't good. It sounds like he is still emotionally involved with his ex wife with the way he likes to talk about her. He has trouble controlling his temper. With the way he is I don't know why he is in a relationship. However, I don't know what part you play in this because I haven't heard his side of all of this. If you both want this relationship to work it would be a very good idea for you both to see a relationship counselor regularly to get the help you both need to fix yourselves. The pattern you have both got your relationship into isn't good. Then if there is still a problem with your partner's anger he should go to anger management. I hope this helps and I wish you both the very best with your relationship.
ReplyI dont feel he is a serial merrier. Many people young who marry in the military especially women from other countries. Its very common for them to cheat. And who wants to stay with that. All he wanted was a family. Faithful partner. The last one of the 4 was actually abusive. Like stabbed him, told him to kill himself, cheated for years, so evil when he was in a coma, which they can hear see remember everything, and she told the docs to pull the plug if he goes on life support. Even said in front of their 3 kids (youngest like 5 now) how she hates him and he should kill himself. Sent him away from the house for months. I can see it would be important to update froends on 16 years marriage like that with kids and house etc. And i know his dog is important because he had 17 they were the only ones there when he would go onconsious for 4 days and x wife wouldnt do anything. She let all the other out to die so this one is all thats left. I just feel its hard for me being that i have never been married or had any kids so giving my all and have certain expectations probably not to realistic.. Anyways counseling is an answer if we could trust any of them out here. And thank you for keeping in mind that your have not heard his side. Wish the best for you as well
ReplyDon't be so naïve and dumb please.. he's not into u emotionally. How long it would take for you to realize?
ReplyWould like to understand why your perspective is that. I fear he is nkt emotionally interested in life very suicidal and a lot of bad experiences but didnt think me directly..
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