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Every so often I remember the phrase,
“I am the master of my fate!”
It haunts me.
Because I said no!
And yet that.
You know..
That.
Happened anyway.
I said no several times actually.
As if it matters now.
When does it, really?
But those nos were muffled
By pain.
Shock.
Terror.
As I realized that danger had struck far too quickly.
And I had no choice
But to wish myself away.
A knee jerk reaction
I know far too well.
But there is more to it
as too many of us already know what that means!
And I don’t want you to dwell on this page for too long..
Because once you go through that,
it isn’t a one time thing.
It slides back in when you should be sleeping.
And you should
feel safe.
It forces you to remember
that even though it wasn’t your fault,
your own heart waltzed you right into
that mistake.
I made a conclusion in college just two years before that happened.
And it was this:
“Trauma is always past tense. It cannot be anticipated.”
I wish it weren’t true.
Boy did I feel smart that day.
But now..
When that
comes creeping back,
I have to wish myself away.
Over
and over again.
Even when I say no.
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