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why can't all these thoughts just disappear? I dont wanna think of him anymore, I dont wanna think of how she's way prettier than me, or about what happened today. I wanna just rip my face apart, I hate it. I just wanna be pretty, is it that hard to be seen as even average? its like everytime my skin is just about to clear up, a storm of marks and acne appears out nowhere. And like, why can't I over that guy? I'm so obsessed with him I'm scarying myself and its honestly disgusting. I really wish I had more friends though, everyone's out posting vids of how they love how they found their best friend or perfect friendgroup and I just want that SO BAD. Life would be so much easier if I was able to actually talk to someone without them being awkward, connect with them like I haven't been able to in years (bc I dont have any friends.), talk to them about anything, no competitiveness between us, no comparing, none of that. Just a friendship where we can trust eachother with everything, as if we were sisters. I wanna be able to go out shopping with my friend and take mirror selfies in the makeup stores too, why haven't I been given a friend yet? I honestly craveee a good convo with someone. Just talking about stuff we both like, or an inside joke, or joking with eachother and laughing til our stomach's hurt. I want that so bad and no one understands its so aggravating. I had a bsf for over a decade and she'd been there with me since I was younger. But people changed her. She isn't her anymore, and its painful I hate looking back at our pictures. I hate the people who changed her. And she's gotten on so well without me? Massive friendgroup, knows everyone, but cons are that she's always involved in drama. She'll never have to be alone though, or be scared to sit alone and eat, or trap herself in the bathroom just to get away from everyone. I'm happy for her, although she did stab me in the back a few years ago, and then our friendship crumbled. Wish she didn't do that. Atleast she doesn't have to isolate herself and constantly go to the bathroom because she has no idea where else to go, and she can talk to others like she used to talk to me. I miss our convos. We did talk about the future often and what we'd be like, and none of the stuff we said we'd do happened. I wish she knew the pain im feeling rn, she probably doesn't think back to when we use to talk and cry about it. She probably doesn't even care.
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