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I am grateful to all the people I've ever dated in my life, for giving me life lessons. (And for showing me that I have bad taste in men and women) I'm also grateful to them for making me stronger and helping me see that I have power and I shouldn't let myself be abused or think bad about myself. Sure I'm not completely okay, but I'm able to fight back more, and after every relationship I can fight back stronger and harder. I can protect myself. I'm also grateful for my mom, I'm grateful that she abused me and showed me when someone will be abusive or not, and showed me how to look for the signs that someone is only pretending to be good. Sometimes I kept going back to people, no matter how physically or verbally abusive they were. I thought there was good in them and that they would change. But not all people have good in them, not all people are to be trusted, not all people should get your love. All the people I've ever been friends with or dated, didn't deserve my love. But I thought I needed them to keep living when they were only killing me slowly. I thought I could change them but it was only hurting me to keep on trying. They weren't ever going to change, and I just needed to accept that and move on. But it felt like I couldn't, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't let go. Until a couple months ago, something broke. My softness for people broke. My love for people has faded away completely. Now, the only thing left in me is hate and emptiness. I have no more love for anybody. Gaining my trust is the hardest thing anyone will ever have to do. I'm filled with so much hate, it scares me even. I'm filled with hate for everyone. I lost everyone because everybody said I was too hard to get, or that I just needed to trust people more. But why should I trust people when all they do is take and hurt. I've been hurt over and over and over, and all that ever happens is I get stronger, and I fight until I've won. I got kicked out of so many schools for fighting back against teachers or students. I'm tired of being fucking pushed around. I'm tired of people thinking I should just submit to them. I'm tired of being treated like my feelings are invalid. I'm tired of people. I'm tired of existing.
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