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I have been suicidal for quite some time now, I just don’t want to live anymore. I am such a messed up person and so screwed in the head that I think the world would be better off without me. The part of me that is the most messed up would probably be sexually. I am so messed up in the head sexually it is crazy, and that is honestly what contributes to my suicidality.
I have been through a lot of sexual trauma, and as a result, I have allowed myself to sexually traumatize other people. I am not using that as an excuse, but I definitely think it helped to tell myself that what I was doing was okay.
When I was 6 and 7 years old, I was babysat by a high school boy. He taught me how to masturbate, showed me porn, and it eventually led to him having me and my friend perform oral sex on him, and then he had anal intercourse with us. I said something to my parent, and they said that if I didn’t like it than to not do it anymore, although he continued to babysit me.
Around that same age, I shared a room and bunk beds with my sister, who was 8 at the time. I remember waking up to see my father having full on sexual intercourse with my sister. He screwed around with her from 8-13 years old until she said something and he went to prison for 5 years.
When I was 12 or 13, three of my male cousins and I had a sleepover in a converted school bus in the woods behind my uncles house. We had converted it into a camp. The older boys got us to play spin the bottle and then we looked at nude magazines and started to masturbate. This led to oral and anal intercourse between the two older cousins, and me and my younger cousin.
When I was 14 years old, my girlfriend that I had lost my virginity to had cheated on me with an older guy. She compared his larger penis to my smaller one, and it made me feel insecure. I talked to my grandmother about this as she raised me. Then one day I had to help her because she fell in the shower, and she was obviously nude. Being a 14 year old boy who gets turned on by the wind blowing outside, she saw my excitement through my shorts as I carried her into her room and put her on the bed. She reassured me that it wasn't that small, and somehow it led to us having intercourse and almost being caught by my uncle. Things got weird after that and we talked about it a month or so later and decided it would never happen again, only to have sex a few minutes later one last time. She taught me how to position her for deeper penetration, and it was the first time ejaculating inside of a woman.
I have been cheated on by just about every woman I have been with, so I now allow my girlfriends to have sex with other men if they want to, as long as they are well endowed. In some cases I have even encouraged it and helped set it up. At one point I set up my girlfriend with a coworker that was 10.5 inches, and she wasn't convinced until they actually had sex, then she was hooked.
I was sentenced to a long prison term for sexually assaulting my daughter after not seeing her for many many years. She was interested in sex and wanted to try it. I should have known better, but I allowed myself to do it. I figured I would try to make it as easy as possible and treat her right and make sure she was okay. I thought it would be better than the much older kid that she had planned on sleeping with, as he would probably just want to cram it in there and not care about her. Plus I was small. We never had sexual intercourse, but I did perform oral on her. I learned by being taught about sex through having it. I really regret this and have a very hard time living with myself due to this. I ruined all of our lives. It wasn't because I like kids or anything like that, I am attracted to voluptuous full figured women, and actually prefer a woman with a little bit looser vagina that normal. I’m not sure why, but I do.
There were many other things that have happened in my life. It’s been a hard road for sure. I just wish I could go back and change it all. I love my daughter and I regret what I have done. I can not live with myself and I just wish god would take me already.
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