I feel like writing about my existential crisis.

Last year, I was going through an existential crisis. What triggered it? That requires some context.

When I was 21-22 years old, I had a romantic relationship with my closest male friend. He was my first love. I absolutely loved him. The feeling of being in love for the first time is an intoxicating one, that is for sure. I believed I would one day marry him, even after we broke up a month before my 23rd birthday. I felt so convinced that I would one day marry him, that I based my life on that possibility. I lived my life, but under the surface, I held onto that belief that I would marry my ex-boyfriend. In fact, while visiting his grandparents (who are now deceased) the housekeeper joked that I was their future granddaughter. Looking back, I can see that she wasn't serious. But I was so naive back then. It's kind of embarrassing. As the years progressed, I would eventually put this out of my mind. However, it went unresolved; it would bite me in the ass later.

Fast forward to August 2022. My ex's grandfather died after contracting an aggressive infection. When that happened, I wondered if I would have been with my ex and his family had we gotten married. But what stuck out to me the most was that my previously held beliefs about love, relationships, and marriage were false. This threw me into an existential depression about my life up to that point. I realize that I wasn't guaranteed to marry my ex-boyfriend after all. At the time, I had mixed feelings about that notion. On the one hand, I was (and still am) grateful we didn't get married, as we were still so young. On the other hand, I was disillusioned, my life didn't turn out the way my younger self originally expected. Welcome to the human race, [redacted].

Why did I have these beliefs in the first place? I read some weird New Age-y bullshit about soul mates and twin flames when I was younger. I was so naive and idealistic when I was younger. Who isn't at some point? I no longer hold those beliefs now, I had to wise up eventually. In fact, I now recognize that some the New Age stuff on relationships might encourage people to stay in unhappy or even abusive relationships. So, it's a good thing that I re-evaluated my beliefs when I did.

Will I ever get married? It's quite possible, but it's not something I desperately want anymore. If it happens it happens. I want to live life as my true, authentic self. I now stand on the ashes of failed idealism.

Thanks for reading.