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About 4 days back, a very close friend of mine attempted suicide (thankfully, she did not succeed and was rescued by people just in time). Mine was the last dialed number in her phone - I got a call around 2AM in the morning from an unknown number telling me about her whereabouts. I rushed to the location - the 40km drive from my place to her location was excruciating - I was profusely crying, feeling responsible, I was scared and just couldn't stop blaming myself.
A few month before this incident, I realized she was burnt-out and depressed, I talked her into starting therapy and kept daily checks on how she was doing, ensuring she kept her appointments, had food, whether she got some sleep or not, etc, etc..
When she took that drastic step - I couldn't stop blaming myself - maybe I could've done more, maybe I could've told her parents and gotten them involved, maybe I was just not enough in getting her to hold on and fight.
Post the incident, I got her home - took her to a psychiatrist setup a new therapist for her and went met her parents and apprised them of her situation in a way that didn't scare them - which means I had leave details out, like what she had done the previous night.
Today, it's been 4 days - Her parents are being supportive, she has 24*7 supervision and I am constantly on calls with her every hour to check.
In all through this the first 3 days, I was running around the city to get help in place for her, but today - I have just been crying : the sadness, the worry, the inadequateness, the feeling of responsibility I feel towards people around me - It all came crashing down; so much that I fell unconscious because of the constant crying.
I met my psychiatrist for a medicine review after this episode and he spent a while talking to me in order to find out what was the reason for a sudden decline in my condition - after a 40 minute conversation he said - "What you are going through is called 'Survivor's Guilt'". I don't even know what it means.
The worst part is that I can't tell this to people around me because they will not understand. How do you stop feeling responsible? Is empathy really a boon? Does the fear go away?
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You should have asked what survivor's guilt is so that you know what it means. You stop feeling responsible when you realize that none of this is your fault. It isn't up to you to prevent someone from attempting suicide and as far as I know even though you have had a fright the fear will go away.
ReplyAll those things you did for your friend do do your self
Take care of your self, you have gone through a trauma,
Make sure you eat, drink and take time to stop and breathe
Take moments where you think of nothing but your self, perhaps meditation to help slow your mind and your heart rate
In time you will feel better and the fear will become smaller
I too am a very empathetic person, I attach to peoples emotions, their anger and their pain but we have to learn that other peoples decisions and emotions are not in our control
You will get through this, you have already proven so much strength, take your time
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