I want to make a confession

I have written on here about my regret over being transphobic. In fact, I had written that post about seeing my crush, who I will refer to as J, at the liquor store recently. Seeing her caused some old feelings to come back, including my discomfort with my old beliefs, and regretting a lost relationship. I know I will be okay. I need to be more forgiving towards my younger self, she was still growing and maturing. My regret and discomfort has to do with the fact that I failed to do the right thing: Love and accept J as she was, by respecting her new name and pronouns, by being a listening and nonjudgmental ear, etc. Forgive me a moment for swearing, but why was I so Goddamn stubborn? After gleaning that she was transitioning, I could feel my long-held beliefs about gender identity crumbling as J's very existence challenged them. Why didn't I tell my sister about this? I know she would have been accepting, and she would have given me some helpful advice. Damn, damn, damn!!!

In retrospect, I think J was suffering from gender dysphoria, though I wasn't aware of it at the time. In fact, I don't think she was aware of it yet, either. One day, I asked how she was doing, and she told me that she was in a low mood due to dysthymia (a milder from of depression). I think that might have been an early indicator of gender dysphoria. She trusted me enough to tell me that. I wish I had known then what I know now. God, I feel awful...

I think this is always something I will always have regrets over. I'm not sure if closure would help, for what if J doesn't remember me fondly? Most people have something, or multiple things, in their lives that they have regrets over. I will say this: I believe meeting her changed me for the better. J planted the seeds of change in my soul, which would not reach their full flower until after she faded out of my life. I would not have the compassion towards the LGBTQ+ community I have now if I hadn't met her. In fact, she indirectly helped me in coming to terms with my own sexual orientation, though that is a topic for a different post. Also, not related to LGBTQ+ stuff, I got to know her after a friend of mine died in a car accident at age 19; I took his death pretty hard. I didn't tell her this, but her company gave me consolation during a dark time. I still have the drawings she gave me, I remember the laughs we shared. I don't know if she will ever know this, but meeting J was one of the best things that happened to me. I can see that now, looking back.

I don't know if you'll read this, J. But if by chance you are, I want to tell you that I'm sorry I was so slow to accept you as you were starting your transition. I hope you've forgiven me. I hope you are doing well, and if you are, I hope you continue to do well. I love you.

-L