The one who thought you were her soulmate

I’ve known you since we were 11 and 12. We’re 33 and 34 now. It’s been a tumultuous ride, off and on for years. Stupidly I convinced myself that if I waited long enough, been patient and loved you through your infidelity, partying phases, and unkindness, you would eventually see that I was the one for you…

And 29 I was ready to start a family and even though we were straddling the surface, I convinced you too. She is the biggest blessing and best thing that individually has happened to the both of us. I won’t deny that. But the whole pregnancy you were out partying or staying out late at night. Don’t think I sill ever stand to hear “I will not entertain this” anymore. You said that each time I cried to you has I sat on your bedside asking, practically begging for you to be there and fight for us, for me. You turned over and fell asleep.

On my babyshower, I saw you messaged someone and told her she was beautiful. That same week you made fun of my weight gain. The day of my scheduled inducement, you yelled at me because I wanted to be on time. I was anxious, scared, nervous, but excited. You made me regret conceiving with you at that moment. I cried silently the whole way to the hospital. When our daughter was a few months old I found out that you befriended a woman and helped her start a company for her because you saw potential in her. You kept it a secret and when I found out, you made me out to be insecure. But you were sleeping with her. I left you when our daughter was barely 9 months. I was scared as hell, afraid to be alone and go struggle, but it was better to struggle than keep being mistreated by you. So i moved out, but you kept coming telling me you miss us, your family.. and I gave in, and I have been giving in. It’s been 2 years of this. You say you love us “your family” but you keep us at arms length. You tell me that I am toxic for not trusting you and that’s why you have trepidation on marrying me, but this year alone I found out you were seeing 3 different women on different occasions, one of them being that same woman you helped open a company. I can’t even be mad at you anymore though, because I know this is who you are. You have shown me your true colors more than once. It’s me. I want a family of my own so bad that I have endured and pushed through all the trauma from all these years (so much I can’t even say). I love your family and have known them as long as I have known you… I know by fully ending us, it ultimately cuts ties with them too, and I hate that. I am afraid to move on.. I feel damaged and don't see how I could even meet someone since I work full time and am raising my child. I hate being alone. Which is another reason why I come back to you, but I don’t really have you, therefore I am alone. Some parts of me believes you don’t fully let go because of our history too, that I am familiar or that you can’t stand the idea of maybe another male figure entering in our daughter’s life.

It’s my fault that I am in this situation, I know that. I also know I am the only one who can make changes. But it does feel like I am stuck.

You told me years ago that there is no such thing as a fairy tale, you said this when I was telling you a wishful dream of mine… you were right. I stopped believing anything magical could ever happen to me.

You did give me one good, great thing. So thank you for her.

Signed,

The one who thought you were her soulmate.