I'm so done ( I love wasting my life :( ://)

background info: my ex and I dated for 4 years we broke up, technically he did, because he said that he can't love me if he can't love himself. Okay. We're still good friends and all that. Then a month later, I got in a relationship.

Now, my ex, when he found out that I was dating he was happy....and then he became jealous. He actually yelled at me for moving on too fast after 4 years but babe we all cope differently, and really I still had feelings for him but I WASN'T gonna let him know because it would still seem that I love him. And bro was FURIOUS. Like how can you be happy and then become like this. Bitch you broke up WITH ME, quit overreacting. THEN, my BOYFRIEND asked what was wrong when I looked VERY UPSET and I told him I wouldn't tell him because shit would go down yk and I don't want them fighting because my ex is still my friend yk we all get mad and yes I'm defending him. But in the moment, it was like I had to defend him but then get mad for what he said.

My boyfriend found out...

And shit went downhill. NOT ONLY DID HE YELL AT HIM.. BRO YELLED AT ME.

Even on texts.

Here are the texts:

"bae, why didn't you fucking tell me" - him

"because I knew you'd act like this. Just leave it please." - me

"Why does he even care? do you have feelings for him" - him

"no" - me

"quit lying gabs" - him

"then why tf are you asking?" - me

"so you do?" - him

"what do you want me to say?" - me

"the truth" - him

"idk" - me

that was all like 2 days ago

THEN.

yesterday:

"so you expect me to love you?" - him

"if you want" - me

"what are you waiting for?" - him

"wdym" - me

"you think he's gonna come back for you, man he's trying to make you unhappy because he can't learn to fucking love himself, and that's on him" - him

"why are you so rude?" - me

"I'm not, I'm just saying THE TRUTH" - him

"fuck you matt, you're not any fucking better" - me

"babe, I'm defending you wtf" - him

"he's still my friend and you're telling me that him not loving himself is on him that's wrong, okay? Just because you fuck everyone around you doesn't make you look hot or sexy and especially doesn't look like you're hard to get, you would def be easy when you hook up with half the fucking school." - me

"wow, yk that's just fucking over the limits, first, I don't hook up with everyone, I hook up with people I trust and love but don't you wonder why I haven't hooked up with you? You're just as silly as your ex. You're not any fucking special yourself and def not hard to get as well." - him

"cool, at least I last more than a week." - me

Today:

1am

"babe" - him

"I'm sorry" - him

Replying to his message "babe"

"lmao who are you calling that" - me

"what?" - him

"I'll be another one of your girls for a week" - me

"wtf are you saying?" - him

"hook up with another girl, our week is over" - me

"are you breaking up with me?" - him

"we already broke up" - me

"gabs"- him

Today:

4 am

sending ss to my ex

"lol" - him

"fuck you too" - me

"okay" - him

"you never fucking loved me, it was all a fucking joke, YOU FUCKING PROMISED FOREVER, and I fucking believed it. I believed it, for the first time I believed it. Because it was crazy how you made me feel, different then all my ex's and it felt real with you. How was it love if you left? How was it us together if it meant nothing? Because YOU LEFT ME. And I cried. I cried for hours. and days. Every fucking second. Because during those moments you made me believe that I was yours, only yours, ALWAYS YOURS. BUT WHO AM I TO YOU KNOW? just a friend? a nobody? does it even matter? because you're not here. You're not the guy you used to be. it didn't matter if you didn't love yourself, because you said it even then and still chose me. You still loved me, and everyday I kept reminding you that you were perfect but still it never made you leave me. And now you're gone. You WERE my best friend, my only friend, my fucking boyfriend, my everything. And now I have nothing. Because I gave you my all, just to watch you leave me, and never did I doubt you would, you made me feel loved. Why couldn't I do it back for you? What made you leave after 4 years together? Because I've been the same like you always asked, you said you loved me but where are you then? I didn't lose any love for you, I'm acting like I'm fine BECAUSE YOU BROKE UP WITH ME AND I NEVER WOULD'VE DONE IT TO YOU. Don't get mad when I get in a relationship, don't get mad at me for moving on, don't get mad at all because let me remind you, that you left me." - me