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Growing up, I thought I was straight. I didn't know what the word "gay" meant until I was a teenager. Throughout my teen years, I wanted to be straight. In fact, I would feel a bit of distress if I wasn't crushing on a guy. I remember I wanted a boyfriend for two reasons: 1) I wanted to fit in with everyone else, and 2) I wanted to prove that I wasn't like my man-crazy childhood friend, A, whom I mentioned in previous posts. Now with that said, I have to wonder about the crushes I had when I was a teenager: Did I really like those guys? Or did I just want a relationship so that I could fit in with mainstream society? Six of one, half-dozen of the other. Anyway, referring back to what I said about feeling distress when I wasn't crushing on a guy, I had wondered if I was gay. The first time I thought that, I felt weird. Could that be possible? Well, before I accepted the fact that I wasn't heterosexual, sometimes I would have intense dreams of kissing or having sex with women. Also, the thought of kissing a woman turned me on more than the thought of kissing a man did, though that could be because that part of my sexuality was repressed. My romantic life as a teenager could be summed up as: I want to be in a relationship, but I want to do it in such a way that doesn't make me look like my childhood friend, A.
Since I was very confused about my sexual orientation as a teenager, especially when it came to guys, did I ever feel attraction to girls/women? Yes. In my middle teens, about 14-17, I had an obsessive crush on a female employee at a local bookstore. I don't like to admit that one too often since I was still a minor and she was an adult. Later on, when I was 17-18, I had these vaguely romantic/sexual feelings towards the female Catholic Youth Ministry director at my church. In both situations, I kept my feelings hidden as best as I could. I don't know how much my family noticed; I'm not sure if I want to know. Looking back, there were signs that I was queer, but I was in denial about my sexuality. What didn't help is that I wasn't aware of the term "bisexual," so I often confused about what I was feeling. Was I gay, or was I straight? Goddamn, my teen years were a fucking mess.
I have since accepted that I'm bi. But what led me to that point? Five years ago, when I joined Instagram, I found the account belonging to my old crush, J. I had been attracted to her before, when she was still presenting as male. After looking at some of her photos on Instagram, some of my old feelings for her resurfaced. That's when I realized "I'm not straight, am I?" This led me to do some soul-searching and reading up on different LGBTQ+ orientations. It took me some time, but I eventually accepted my bisexuality. I felt like I could finally make sense of my life now that I know I'm not straight. After a while, I realized that my sexual attraction is often less intense and not as frequent compared to other people's. Then I found out that I'm bi and gray-asexual (yes, it's possible). Later on, I would realize that I'm demiromantic, where experiencing romantic attraction isn't possible unless an emotional bond is formed. Indeed, I have felt romantic attraction only 2 or 3 times in my life. The fact that it's possible for some people to feel romantic attraction towards people they barely know is something that boggles my mind. I've also come to realize that I experience aesthetic attraction that's more intense than my sexual attraction. In fact, some of the instances where I thought I was experiencing sexual attraction might have been aesthetic attraction. That's a common experience in the asexual community, confusing those two forms of attraction with one or the other. I might experience alterous attraction, too. But I'm not sure about that one. So, in short, I am not heterosexual, and no longer that confused teenage girl who wanted to fit in and be straight. I am bi, graysexual, and demiromantic. Or in a single term, bi-angled aroace; and now an adult who is comfortable being out of the mainstream.
Thank you for reading. Merry Christmas.
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