idk anymore

I maybe depressed. For the past two years I have been distracting myself from depressing thoughts by keeping myself busy with university work like assignments, projects etc. When I comeback home and during holidays when I take a break I feel depressed. I am an insomniac and I experience social anxiety in some social situations especially when I am all alone in the public. My sleep wake cycle is very irregular during holidays. I get cooped up in my room, ignore self care and barely get out. When I'm all alone in my room, I find myself constantly struggling with my self esteem and insecurities. I tend to overthink. I have no purpose or meaning in my life. I'm just existing not living. I feel lonely even though I'm surrounded by people. Most friendships I have experienced are fake or they do not stay. The friends that I have right now are just friends who are like passing clouds in my life. I haven't had a true best friend for the past five years. I do have some goals in life that is to get a decent paying job after I graduate and be independent. Even though I push myself and try my best in my academics I still get average or slightly above average results not the good results that I expect. My parents have done what they think is the best to support me but if I tell them I' depressed they would probably question me why would you be depressed when we have given you almost everything that you want. As a kid, I was waiting to turn 18. I'll be turning 20 soon and I wish to go back to my childhood. Maybe I had unreal expectations about my adult life during my teenage years. I don't have anyone to vent about such stuff so I'm here.