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Even this week finished and this just scares me since I know that as the next week start tomorrow it’s only 7 more days until I start getting tickets for my work and I will be officially on work! Yes it scares me and at the same time I feel lazy as I never wanted to work in the first place! But the idea of not working and people perceiving me as a non working a house wife a mom - I just hated it and hence I just forced myself to get to work! I had left my last job this feb and that was one of the bestest day I would say but scared for the same fact that now I was a housewife! But as time passed I was happy and comfortable until things started hitting me like my bank account was not getting credited anymore and I had to ask my husband my dad my mom for money even to buy an ice cream !! The when I went out or spoke to my friends on chat I had to lie I was working because I know they don’t value me and the fact that they coming to know that I don’t have a job now would make them laugh at me ! I just have fake friends! Looking after my 1.4 year old baby was becoming frustrating with these mental pressure and post partum depression was just not over yet or treated !! I was in hell - well I still feel like I am still in. So here I am - got a job now! The same fucking job which I wanted to escape just in a different company - because guess what I was not getting any other job since I was a mom now and a mom who “chose” to leave her job !! So ya no one wanted to hire me !! One company agreed after 4 months of me trying I agreed !! I hate it! I hate my life I hate my job I hate everything !! I know I never started my job in the first place but I can sense that the people here are cunning and sly !! I cannot trust a single person here ! At least in my old company it was not that! I had people to talk to! I am scared honestly just scared ! And that feeling makes me hate my job already !! I know what the job is - my training is over and they think I am somewhat ready but I am scared ! I hate that I am scared !! I just want to run away but I can’t ! I am tired of facing my challenges all these years !! Everything that makes me uncomfortable- I have been facing it - all my life !! I am just tired !! Never once I was happy or the end results were happy !! I just hate it !! The beginning the journey the end !! I hate it !! As the year ends I know it’s going to be yet another shitty year of God keeps on planning to ignore me like he did all these 30 years and literally enjoy throwing me challenges for results I never NEVER WANTED !!! I don’t want to celebrate new year I don’t want to even feel that it’s new year ! But then it’s that time of the year and cheers to yet another year of my hell !! Why ? Because I have no friends - just forced to live with my mother in law (who is always in ego clash with me ) since she is the one looking after my son when I am working , my introvert husband, my work from home hell job with these people with no escape , no friends to cry to talk to because all want me to suffer (trust me I know my evil friends who act to be good) and then my stupid society where I live !! Cheers to my shithole life !!
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