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I feel like a fake sometimes. I get told I seen so confident and outgoing and brave and like nothing can hurt me. But god things really do get to me sometimes. I feel like crying into the arms of someone who loves me and understands my insecurities, but honestly I can’t think of anyone who knows me like that. Maybe that’s my problem. I can’t say that everyone else has a totally inaccurate impression; I am definitely an independent spirit and I have no trouble sticking up for myself and others. I like to try new things and I’m not self conscious most of the time. But there’s some deep insecurities in me too. I get hurt sometimes, and I’m constantly lonely. I love my family, but I never feel right in my body when they make comments about it. Sometimes I can’t look at my own face because I don’t like it. I sometimes feel like there must be some kind of trick or joke, I have trouble trusting that other people actually like me or want to be around me. I try to remind myself I have proof of other people liking me by inviting me places, thinking of me. I just struggle with it sometimes. And I struggle with letting other people know me or take care of me. I’m afraid that they’ll see me and find me annoying or not like me. I’m afraid they’ll leave and I’ll have poured myself out to them. I’ve been rejected romantically a couple times in a row now also, which doesn’t help, but it’s the pervasive sense that I am so alone that hurts. I wish I wasn’t the designated “tough friend” for once. I wish for the sensitive and shy and sweet parts of me to get attention and care. I wish I wasn’t afraid or other people taking care of me.
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You seem very independent. In my humble opinion you don't need someone to take care of you, since it sounds like you're a leader. But, we can all use support, mental or emotional. Trust should not be given, it should be earned. When someone around you has earned your trust, give them an opportunity to take the wheel, and see how things go. Best of luck.
Courtesy notice: the following includes a reference to a book that contains writings over 2000 years old which are mostly parables about human nature, both vile human nature as well as moral human nature, parables that are meant to teach us to learn and grow, including the teachings of Christ Jesus. No religion required, and better yet: no public displays of devotion required, although the former and latter are admirable if practiced freely out of one's own free will and without the threat of being beheaded. Some bullies will label this "trolling", so "change the channel" now if of no interest to you.
1 Thessalonians 5:11
Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.
Mark 12:28-31
And Christ Jesus said the 2 greatest commandments are:
Love God first and foremost.
Love your fellow-being as you love yourself.
From following or not following these, all good or evil cascades, respectively.
Love...that powerful, invisible, intangible force that cannot be denied; even atheists live and die by it.
And since death is the only guarantee in life, Mary, Mother of Christ, intercede for us with your prayers, now, and at the hour of our death.
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