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I consider myself lucky, at simple terms. My parents are supportive for me being trans, hoping to care for me since they found out abt my cocsa situation when I was 10, and the fact they are actually trying to better themselves since they were toxic when i was a little kid.
But even now, I feel like I fucking hate my life and I hate that I don't know why or how to stop it. Like, I hate waking up to my family even if they're trying as badly as me to be functional. I just feel naturally annoyed, angry near them. But when I think of them and how they felt in the situation, I feel shitty. Cause my younger half-siblings were neglected as well but in the way It made them even more needy and craving for attention, and I feel like I treat them like those siblings people never have time for and I feel like a shitty person for avoiding them (for Mental disorder related reasons and the fact they were little bratty shits when they were little, BUT THEY WERE STILL KIDS.) and I feel like a shittier person for venting about this.
The worst thing is the fact I feel envious of people in worse homes. It sounds shitty, maybe even attention-seeking, but I crave to have a worse family. I just need to feel like I can have a reason to act like this and hate everything around me for a good reason, instead of just being seen and even thinking of myself like a spoiled little shit who can't handle being in trouble. I feel like I need to be abused, to be hurt, to be stuck in elaborate and toxic situations just to have that momentarily feeling of having the privilege to feel like I do without thinking abt how others have it immensely worse cause I know its true and I feel like a fucking spoiled prick for feeling bad about my past and about me in general even if I have the family most my friends dream of, I have 'skill' as others tell me even though they also make fun of me every fucking time I try to actually better my art, and the fact I suffer through some mental illnesses that are so common that I feel like its just normal at this point and My parents see it the same way, as they treat me like I'm "just a little shy" when I'm having a full-blown nervous panic for being forced to speak up a GODDAMN ORDER AT A RESTARAUNT.
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