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Truth is subconsciously all this time I knew why we couldn’t be together, my concision just took so long to accept it. The person I was had yet developed in experience, emotional maturity, promise, conviction and identity. We both were essential to the initial steppingstones of each other’s young lives, shit we’re still young now. I’ve apologized to you before, but hadn’t fully forgiven myself until recently. Not realizing this entire time what was keeping me driven to heal was a possibility that you’d come back. Call me crazy, but it worked. It finally got me to where I needed and wished to be. To renew and see the truth in who I am, who I knew I could be. Turns out that hope I was holding on to was more work that needed to be fixed… more programming I needed to break before I could fully detach from what was and accept what could be. I’ve been living in the present moment for quite some time now, but the past always resurfaced, triggering an old version of myself every once in a while. Overtime I grew, learning how to deal with those triggers, forgiving myself for what was, and acknowledging what is. Angle number 321. I did it, knowing you, you’d be proud and that’s part of my fuel. For the longest my biggest fear was being a failure in your eyes, I didn’t care much for the likes of others, if I had money, friends and hobbies, as well as an education, I wouldn’t be seen as incompetent and inferior. Turns out those were projections of my own negative thoughts holding me back, preventing me from achieving greatness in the way God deemed me to. Angle number 324. I used to tell you that you were my strength, my total opposite that brought balance into my world, to me. I didn’t know why I felt so strongly about saying that back then, but I understand why now. Seems so silly looking from an outward perspective to be so emotionally changed/affected by an adolescent relationship, but I guess only those involved could truly understand the intensity and rawness felt at such a moment. But I digress. It’s 2024 and I choose to release that hope I clung onto for so long, I think about you daily even if only for a brief moment. It’s no longer fair to my growth and development. Instead I’ll transform that hope into something new. A reminder of who I truly don’t wish to be, what I’ve done and overcame. Who I’ve hurt and how I lived. And I will use that reminder to reach for the divinity of the universe and to continue to progress by Gods will in this life. Angle number 333. To create, engage and experience. To explore and ascend. I had so much faith in the universe that they’d bring you back to me under a selfish accord. Now if they ever decided to lift the barrier between us, I want it to be because the person I am is deserving of such. A person who has laid her demons to rest, and understands, innerstands and overstands boundaries and enforces her own. A person who live’s her life to the fullest, in full control of her emotions and reality. I am different, and I will only get better.
Thank you genuinely for being…
You will always reside in my heart and it will show in my actions.
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Courtesy notice: the following includes a reference to a book that contains writings over 2000 years old which are mostly parables about human nature, both vile human nature as well as moral human nature, parables that are meant to teach us to learn and grow, including the teachings of Christ Jesus. No religion required, and better yet: no public displays of devotion required, although the former and latter are admirable if practiced freely out of one's own free will and without the threat of being beheaded. Some bullies will label this "trolling", so "change the channel" now if of no interest to you.
1 Thessalonians 5:11
Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.
Mark 12:28-31
And Christ Jesus said the 2 greatest commandments are:
Love God first and foremost.
Love your fellow-being as you love yourself.
From following or not following these, all good or evil cascades, respectively.
Love...that powerful, invisible, intangible force that cannot be denied; even atheists live and die by it.
And since death is the only guarantee in life, Mary, Mother of Christ, intercede for us with your prayers, now, and at the hour of our death.
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