My Tumbstone Part 2

Hey! Do you remember me?

the "adventurous child with no fears"?

After a lot of thinking, I still can't find a reason to live, or a motive, or how I like to say it "lietmotive" (Google it).

Truth had to be told: you should know I'm a 39 y.o. woman, and for whatever reason, I feel like someone loving me is the only way to keep living.

Unfortunately, we all can be realistic about it and recognise that the Love Market is a very hard one to succeed in time. (I'm divorced since 2010, abused twice in 2011 and 2012). And it gets harder the older you get, especially for women (don't come with the exception of the rule story, I'm realistic).

Anyways. The New Age and Marketing convinced a lot of people about loving themselves first so you can love others. That's a lot of crap. Is like rescuing a pet: you can't heal its traumas if you don't love it first, and it is not necessary to love yourself for doing that. It applies to human beings, too. So screw you New Age and Marketing, as always.

Finally, I found a way to bleed me out, and I don't know why it didn't have occurred me first before. I do know how to use needles, and I do know where arteries are in the arms. So I just need a big needle, a donation blood bag tube (to direct the blood to some recipient), and voilà. (I worked a short time in the blood donation public centre). NOT SURE IF IT'S GONNA WORK, but once, when I went to donate, the girl that put the needle called worried the doctor because it seemed she pricked with the needle my artery lol.

I know I'm talking about suicide here. I'm Catholic, I remind you. But also, I am sick, alone, and broke. So I know it is not black and white like some think. I will go to confess first and receive the Eucharist later. I definitely not gonna clean my room LMAO~ fuck you mom, with all my love (at first, I was planning too... you don't know my mother, it's a perfectionist and narcisist).

I know I won't have a tombstone, they will burn my body, delivery it in a paper bag and then, probably, throw it away like my father did with his mother last year (th waves make it back and it got stock in the rocks BTW 🪨 lol). And yes, it is illegal.

What else should I say... Thank you, I guess. Novni always was full of nice people, messed up like me who knows a lot how one feels or thinks or all together. I finished my therapy last August. And I don't really need it anymore: I am SO aware of everything now LOL and I know it can't be changed. But I can't escape from this house of madness. (My parents' house). And tireness only goes when I get deep sleep. So I wanna get a deep sleep. That's it.

So maybe it is not dying, it's just a very deep sleep. And I'll able to finally rest. Rest in peace.

C-you in my next letter!