I somewhat recently realised that what I've been through was traumatic

Around 4-6 years ago I hit puberty over the summer before school started. And initially, I was excited to go to school. It gave me structure and provided me with clear rules to follow to succeed. But I guess things changed when I hit puberty, but like, really changed. Before I really get into it, I have to mention that I know I'm autistic, but I didn't know at the time. When I got back to school, I couldn't place why but everything seemed louder, brighter, and more intrusive. It was like my brain had lost its armor, and everything I took into my senses invaded my thoughts and hit my tender brain like bullets. I cannot express how horrible it was to someone who's never experienced it. I'd rather get my teeth deeply drilled without numbing (which I've had done) than set foot in a classroom again. It affected me in unspeakable ways. I went almost a school year like that, too overwhelmed to move or speak and always on the verge of barreling through anyone between me and the door.

When covid hit I was on the end of my line. I was probably one of the only people who were saved by the pandemic. I don't remember the year following, I assume it was just me resting. But I never went back to school afterwards, I was actually too afraid to leave the house after that. I felt panic at the prospect at being put through anything like that again, it made me freeze completely like I was in a stupid bright classroom again. I felt so pathetic, I still miss my friends.

In the years afterward, I kinda went crazy. I started becoming paranoid and my intrusive thoughts got really bad. I would hallucinate and there were voices in my head, who were mostly just really mean. My thantophobia also got worse too. I realized I was socially inept and became too afraid to do anything anymore. I used to be a happy, bubbly kid. That hurts me so much now. I don't know if I can ever be like that again. I used to be so bright but now I can't think straight. It hurts me so bad. I miss it so bad.

I wasn't even the happiest kid, I tried to kill myself twice and I was always having meltdowns. I was super existential and philosophical from the start and my anxiety was crazy, but at least I liked doing certain things. At least I liked talking to people.

It just took so long to realize what happened. I'm not even sure really, other than the fact that I'm suddenly way more mentally disabled than before. I just don't know how much of this is my fault. Was I being over-dramatic? What could I have done better? School isn't supposed to do this to a person. It doesn't do this to people. I've never heard of it doing this to people.

People don't get it. They (mostly my immediate family and psychologist) express sympathy when they hear about the casual rude remarks and slurs from other students. They can't even conceptualize how horrible just existing there was. They don't get going crazy in isolation. They don't get the shadow an event like that casts on your life. They don't get the fear of being put through that again. I can't move past it. I can't risk my life by trying to support myself. I don't want to trap myself in a loop where I have to continue putting myself in a constant fight-or-flight response just to live. Every option seems dreadful. I'm so tired.