I promised i wont

I really thought i am fine after all those yaers of tormenting myself. But no why the hell am i existing "i want to kms". Ik its a phrase used alot of times that it lost it meaning but damn . I wanna express that phrase honestly like . When the tunnel is long and you somehow moved on passing all the obstacle just to relise it wasn't a tunnel but a cave with a dead end.i feel trapped , i want to leave right this fucking second somewhere far away . Basically escaping this place . I wanna leave , i wanna die and feel ntg. I give up trying to heal there is no use anymore cause is always there. The only way is either i take meds that are necessary or die. I dont see any other way than those two.