What are you looking for?
Featured Topics
Select a topic to start reading.
If you are in crisis and need immediate help, please call 1-800-273-8255 (NSPL) or text HOME to 741741 (Crisis Text Line). More resources.
quite literally, idk what im doing here.
i truely hate this world and i resent humanity so deeply. i have no desire to interact with other people, but i must, by god i must!!
for context i am autistic, have adhd, suffer from cptsd, generalised anxiety and high functioning depression! ye, it's a lot, but the lables really make no difference; i honestly feel like this existence is hell.
i hate people. i hate people and i pity and despise humanity. i know this feeling of misanthropy is directly linked to my life experiences which have not been great. i know this. however, who else's life experiences am i supposed to use to make an evaluation on my existence?!?! i fucking hate when people/therapists are like "you only feel this way because of what you've been through." erm, no fucking duh!
my point is i am at my wit's end now. i can't see the point/the need to continue existing.
this is a genuine question to anyone who happens to come across this: what, actually, is the point?
why do we get up every day? why do we persist at life? why do we forgive and move on? why do we look forward to fleeting joy? why do we put our hopes and trust in other - equally flawed and clueless humans? why do we actively choose to exist in this cesspool of hate, and negativity?
what's the point of it all?
i'm not inherently a pessimistic person, and i almost resent my persisting optimism - but heaven knows it's the only thing keeping me alive.
i can't comprehend other humans, and they don't understand me. i understand HOW things are the way they are, but for the life of me i can not fathom WHY! i struggle to communiate with people, or understand the logic/thought process behind things.
i've been beaten since a young age for showing any anger or disapproval for being mistreated. i have been labled as aggressive (big suprise. i'm black and AFAB), told that i am domineering and controlling, and shunned by literally all my family/peers. I have lost friends/jobs/relationships for reasons i - honest to god - did not understand. i find people intentionally obtuse and convoluted. and i cannot for the life of me pretend.
sometimes i think i'm the problem.... most times, actually. i am the common denominator after all. but the things that make me such a villain are just the ways i've been trying to protect myself from the world. in reality i feel so small and scared and weak and pathetic because the reality of it is i am not very good at existing. i can't do life the way others do it. it seems so easy and just.... intuitive, but i can't do it. I just can't. i look like all sharp corners and edges on the outside but i'm perpetually panicking on the inside. i'm always always scared, and angry. so soo angry....
i'm tired and it's dawned on me that the only person keeping me here is me. and i can't answer the question of why.
If you see a comment that is unsupportive or unfriendly, please report it using the flag button.
More Posts
-
Autism is a living hell
Why is it that if I were to say any other disability sucked to have I would get sympathy but when I say I hate being autistic I get invalidated by allistic s te...
-
I somewhat recently realised that what I've been through was traumatic
Around 4-6 years ago I hit puberty over the summer before school started. And initially, I was excited to go to school. It gave me structure and provided me wit...
I'm sorry you are feeling like this, and what your suffering from plus what you experienced. getting misunderstood is horrible, because you will think no one understands you, and you are alone in this world. I don't know the meaning to life, or the point as im struggling too but, if you are staying because of you, it also means you're scared of leaving, i think, im making assumptions. we've been asking ourselves that question everyday and we still get up. i think, people live a little more in peace if they out that question on the side, and keep it in a mystery. I'm a complete stranger and so are you,
but that doesn't mean you don't matter. Feeling being a disappointment or a problem it's common, feels horrible though, but you're not. We are humans, if we are the problem it's all of us, not just you. God has a plan for all of us, and i hope for you, it isn't death, and more happiness.
ReplyThank you for this.
It didn't help me immediately, but today this somehow made me feel better.
Reply