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I can start to see the sadness and stress build up around. My house is getting messier. Is it my mood or my children that won’t clean up after themselves? Four kids. School age, 2 pre k, and a baby… But not a newborn baby. One that crawls all over and puts everything in her mouth. One that tries to roll off the bed and one that requires a gate. A gate to keep her safe from the stairs that she can now climb. Twins, oh those twins. Never listening, always wrestling, screaming crying. You think at 4 it would stop. And the oldest child, diagnosed ADHD. Throwing things out of anger. Feeling unloved from his father. Newly medicated and frustrated with the world. If no one does as he says, he seeks revenge. Beating up on his younger siblings. Leading to range and resentment.
Four children, one has a different father. The oldest child’s wants a DNA test even though he already performed one when his child was a newborn. Years later fears it was tampered with when it was not. Sounds like paranoia.
The other father, the one I am “with” never feels like he’s there. How can someone who lost their job two weeks ago STILL be too busy to spend quality time with you and the kids? He will find any way to escape reality, any way to stay busy. He will find anything to do except for what is expected of him. Endless hours hunting in the cold, hours sitting in front of his phone or ps4, sleep late into the afternoon then leave before you arrive, go three hours away on a volunteer trip knowing he is leaving tomorrow morning for a multi day hunt 600+ miles away. It’s as if he choses anything over us. It brings tears to my eyes. Then he does one thing around my house to act like he’s been here all along.
Work, don’t get me started on my job. We had 12 kids in our PRE-K class and they decided to bump us up to 18, two not potty trained. One being autistic. She is refusing to nap and wants to play, so there goes my two hours of peace during the week. Also they decided to give us a third teacher, a new hire that’s as quiet as a mouse. She refuses to correct any children herself. She sits and reads books to kids to avoid the rest of the classroom. If you ask her to do something. She will either ignore the request or half ass it.
Last but not least, a fans page. Fans to keep entertained to stay for their $10 a month, $8 of it going into my account. Some grateful, some sweet, some loyal. Some rude, some demanding. What I have isn’t enough. And still I’ll sell my dignity and soul for that extra $1,200 a month, that my partner gets a cut for appearing in some content and scenes. Yet, it doesn’t amount to the work I put in. Trying to post daily and send out PPV messages.
This is why my day starts with a coffee and ends with a wine.
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Get off of the fans page please. I know its hard, money is tight, and you don’t feel appreciated or loved.
Miss I’ll be praying for you because you need GOD to make a move in your life.
I somewhat been there in my own way. I had just my child at 16, I then lost my car, job, some of my close friends got locked up, money was extremely tight and rent was months due.
It was so hard for me not to resort to old habits to make fast money.
I know I only saying words but for 1, your body is priceless so don’t sell it because it isn’t for the public. 2, you were made to be loved and you should express this to your husband after the trip. But when you do smile, and offer loving comments in between so he doesn’t feel overwhelmed. But I will say that that guy needs to step up and be a man.
Idk where your faith is, but I know from experience that it works if you really seek GOD and try your best. I don’t want to guilt trip you so instead I want you to know that in Psalms 139:14 it says you are fearfully and wonderfully made. That money only goes so far and it leaves you feeling empty and truth be told you are being used for your body. Please consider praying to JESUS.
BTW I’m a guy so I hope this has some relevance because I don’t think you should sell yourself, plus you are worth more than $10 a month!
Children are hard to deal with, but in time they will calm down, but right now they are barely experiencing life and need time to gain consciousness of their emotions and how to tame them. Your oldest son, you should spend the day with him doing something simple, no money, but maybe find a hobbie you can do with him. And since your new man is with you, you should ask him to take part in his life and maybe involve him in a hunting trip.
The youngins haha they have a ton of energy but when they get older you’ll sit back smiling and happy about how far they’ve come.
ReplyPlus, my mom was a single mom of two children me and my sister. Our father was in prison and I didn’t find that out till the eighth grade through an anger management counselor. I fell into drugs and violent actions. I made it tough for my mother, she would often cry when I came home at 2 am drunk, high, or by police car. But I found GOD and now she is so proud of how far I have come. You will feel this way too. Your oldest son needs a father and maybe your new man can be his guide in this life as a man. And ask your man if theres a reason why he doesn’t want to be home. Share not only your pains and needs but ask each of them their needs and pains.
I’ll be praying for you miss, and remember to forgive because it helps release a burden off your shoulders.
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