My Unsent Letter

Hello.

Where do i even begin with this? I dont really know how to word any of this.

I dont even know if i want answers or if i just need to tell you how you made me feel. I assume you would know how you made me feel anyway.

You had been in my life for 10 years at this point as not only one of my best friends but we had dated what 4 times in that space of time?

For some reason we kept trying knowing it wasnt right we were just good friends.

Every single day something reminds me of that night.

Why did you do it?

Why did you hurt me?

I dnot want to be hurting anymore.

Its been 12 years but it never seems to get any easier. What hurt most is who you where to me at the time. I trusted you, you know i dont trust easily.

The moment you decided to rape me what went through your head?

When i fought back and you started beating me up, punching me and pinning me down, what went through your head?

When you held the knife against my throat, did that make you feel good? did it make you feel powerful?

Last one, when you strangled me to the point that the only reason you lost grip was because i started to black out, did it make you feel strong?

If you answered yes to any of these then well i dont even know.

You obviously wasnt the person i thought you where anyway because clearly you dont do stuff like that to people you care about.

The reason i decided to write you this letter was becasue i have tried to say goodnight to that evening in many ways. Therapy, talking and just trying to forget but none of those things seem to have helped and I was sitting here earlier this evening and the memories of it just hit me like a ton of bricks and made me feel like i was back at that night again.

I dont want you to have the power to hurt me anymore.

I dont want you to be part of my life anymore. You still control me, you still scare me and even though i dont want to admit it if i hide it then i wont ever face it.

writing this letter is my way of trying to get all the pain the hurt and the frustration out and hoping that even a tiny bit of you aknowldges what you have done to me.

You are not worth my hurt, my pain, my suffering, my breath.

I hope this is the beginging of goodbye.