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Why don't I find it funny
I just think it's stupid
People purposefully being over the top or trying to be hard or gangsta or cool
What's wrong with that
Trying so hard
Why do other people get to try and be a certain way when it's obviously OTT and it's cool
But when I try hard at things I'm
Too much
Too competitive
Too serious
Too angry
Too sensitive
Too loud
Trying too hard
We're Too different
I want to break up and be free
I want to move out of this flat
I want to buy my own car
I want to join a hiking group
I want to go for long walks everyday by myself and take cute photos
I want to buy a new phone so I can take good photos
I want to move overseas and run away from everything and everyone I know and not exist in their world anymore
I don't want to be perceived as maori anymore
I don't want to be perceived as a woman or queer or nb or gay
I don't want to be perceived
When people see me they judge me
And then they treat me how they judge me
And sometimes I really don't like how people treat me
I don't want to date him anymore
Because I hate feeling yo-yo-y and insecure about stupid fucking little things that shouldn't fucking matter but they play on my mind and stack up
In my memory, there's a tsunami tidal wave approaching, and I can see my silhouette against it as I stand on the shoreline/cliff and there are children either side of me and I hold their hands and we look up at the wave and they're faces are serious and mine is sad and tired and I've given up and their faces are just serious and grim and they're not happy about the situation but they understand
I want to be understood
I feel like I scream into the void
I'm silent
My head splits with the iron grip hold this fear has
This fear has
I am not this fear
This fear is a thing outside of me
It can't touch me
So why does it feel like held breath and streaming tears
Like caving lungs
Learned helplessness they call it
When you get fed impossible tasks over and over again
When you get fed tasks you've never been taught to solve while everyone else around you sails on by easily
And you watch them pass you over and over again
So that even when a problem comes along that you could solve or that your learned how to solve once
Your mind is too murky
Your heart is too tangled
So another problem goes unsolved
And another round of people sail on by
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Aw sweetheart, I'm so sorry you're feeling so sad and alone. I wish I could give you a great big hug! And tell you how amazing and brave and gritty you are, surviving a world like this one. One day, you'll find your sails and you'll travel to places you never even dreamed of and it'll feel scary at first but then it'll be beautiful and exciting and overwhelming but most of all it'll feel like living, my sweet. Living, instead of surviving.
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