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I'm a veterinarian. I'm exhausted. Life has been so kind to me, but so cruel in so many other ways. I'm not suicidal, but I am tired. And not looking forward to anything.
I know my worth. I know that life is beautiful; I take time every day to revel in the beauty of my plants, the animals, the love of my friends and family. But I'm so very, very alone now, and I'm not built to be alone.
The past few days, my throat had been very painful, but only in a very focal location off to the side, in a thyroid-ish locale. Obviously, I made myself a differentials list, monitored for signs. One of the potential differentials that wafted by my mental wanderings was cancer. (Nearly always on the list!)
I realized just now, when I reflected that my throat doesn't hurt as much today, that I sense a tiny bit of disappointment. And, looking back, I do recognize that I felt some sweet bursts of relief when contemplating the chance of malignant disease.
No, I wouldn't end my own life. I know and value to the highest how much I can help the world around me. I am active in self-care, etc. I wouldn't passively allow poor circumstances to take me down, either. I'd fight.
But the concept that perhaps I've got a battle brewing inside that I could take on, but still lose, and get to let it all go? - that felt like a lightness, reflexively.
Yikes.
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Hey.
Man, are you a strong person. You truly are. Is it fear, uncertainty? Is it the pressure of having to go under another battle? Whatever this is, we let it be while holding over the control we may don't have. Optimisticly stupid this may be but, can some really malignant disease hold you down when you can?
It is serious, it can be a huge impact. Another reason for a battle worth going through, another medal up for effort and hanging on. I pray you the best, you a strong one, ma'am/sir. I respect you a whole bunch x)
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