The First Journal Entry

I wrote this today in what was suppose to be my gratitude journal, but took a deeper turn. Please read my first post for more information about what I'll be writing about. Warning of self harm and suicidal thoughts...

I titled this Listen Up...

"You've hurt yourself for to long. You've let people hurt you to many times. You never speak up. You let other people control you. You let people use you. You only ever worry about what people think of you. You want everyone to be happy, while drowning in your own sadness. You hid in the corner hoping no one will notice, while hoping they're at least thinking of you. You want to be acknowledged for your hard work and things you do, but you don't want to come across as a show off putting others down. You cut yourself off from friends and family and wonder why you're alone and don't feel loved. You want to make friends but you don't talk to people and hid yourself in your room. You cry and scream alone, praying someone will come save you, but no will because you refuse to tell anyone how you're feeling or what you're going though cause you don't think they'll understand or you don't want to overwhelm them because everyone already had their own problems to worry about. You want to fall in love but you know no one will ever truly fall in love you. I mean look at your record, look at the past, look at everything you wrote before this. Of course no one would ever love you, you don't even love yourself, in fact, you fucking hate yourself.

You hate the way you talk. You hate the way you smile. You hate the way you laugh. You hate your whole physical body. You hate the way you approach certain situations. You hate that you aren't a good friend. You hate the way you fall for someone the second they show any interest in you because no one is ever into you, so you jump straight to that person who seems like they are into you, just for them not to give two shits about you. You hate the way you stay in bed all day, even though things need to be done. You hate how ugly you are. You hate how you never follow through with your own plans. You hate how you never try to make yourself look nice or dress up. You hate how awkward you are. You hate how you're the master of your own future, but you keep throwing it in the trash. You hate how you never truly know what you want.

What's the point of living if you put yourself through all of this. You tried to kill yourself and even failed at that. You think about killing yourself all the time, you think you would've done it by now. But you keep telling yourself it'll get better, but it never does. How many times are you gonna cut yourself and use the blood as a promise that you won't cut again and get better? How many more depression drives are you gonna go one before you actually drive head first into a semi or tree or telephone pole? You have two options (my name), kill yourself or get better. If you can't love yourself, you'll never truly be happy, so please end my suffering and die. Die so I don't have to feel like this anymore. I can't take it anymore. I'm always in pain and sad. I can't keep watching people be happy when I can't be happy or feel love myself. I wanna live, but this isn't living. And funny enough, it's all my own fault"

In the moment of writing this, I believe I was trying to call myself out, to wake up. You're in trouble and you need to do something or else who knows what'll happen, what other pain I'll conflict upon myself. I've been dealing with serious mental health issues for almost 6 years now, and really haven't done a lot to better myself besides therapy and anti depressants, but those alone won't help. The depression and anxiety won't just disappear because I did those things, I need to actually apply myself. It sucks so much because it's so hard to actually apply yourself to your mental health because it's a tough cookie, won't break apart that easily. Having an internal battle with yourself is draining, and that's why I turned toward writing. I'm able to get these thoughts out of my head and I do feel that weight lighten on my shoulders a little. Writing is just the beginning step for bettering myself and it's a much easier first step then other ways. I would highly recommend to just start writing and let you mind and the pencil do the work, you'll probably write way more than you thought you would. Rereading it may hurt, it did for me, but after a while the words stop hurting as much and your mind starts to clear as if you can finally see your real words and thoughts. It's like finally understanding yourself. It's a small step, but it is a step closer to feeling better and for me, helping me actually love myself. Thanks for reading!

moon_dreaming