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Hello. I've wrote about a week ago, and while I appreciate the comments, I still feel as if I did not speak to the totality of my problem. Over the past few weeks, I've had a grim revelations. So to help me articulate myself, I will be dividing this into three parts, my sense of honor, my accolades (or lack thereof), and my social life.
To begin, I want to state that I am Autistc, meaning that I am socially impaired. I struggle to speak with others and I have inclination to be by myself. I'm almost 25 years old and my sense of self esteem has diminished far below what it once was.
Firstly, I would like to speak to my sense of honor. All I could ever hope for is to make my family proud, especially my mother and father. They have been supportive of me, even with my diagnosis. When I was born and later diagnosed with autism, the doctors did not think I would be able to achieve basic motor skills. My mother told me that she did not believe that and so she did whatever she could to help me. I was enrolled in speech therapy and I was in special education during my elementary school years. Now, I graduated from a state university with a bachelor's of science and I work full-time in my discipline. But I feel this isn't enough to repay my mother and father for believing in me. There's a part of me that thinks I should go earn my masters, but there's another part pleading me not to go. It was not easy getting academic honors every semester at undergraduate and I worked every day. So I can't imagine how much worse off I would be in a masters program. Some of my colleagues have even told me they felt they didn't learn anything. So I'm not sure what to do. On one hand, getting the masters would help accelerate my licensure, but on the other, I'm not sure if the gamble for new knowledge would be worth it all. Another reason I feel pressured is that I see people my age with a masters degree. Compare me to them and I just look like a loser. I do have to admit, I am jealous too. I hope what I'm saying makes sense. I do want but I also don't want to. I want the honor, but I don't want to lose my newfound independence. Again, I just want to make my parents proud. If it weren't for them, I would not exist.
Another aspect of this honor is that I just don't feel I have any. Nobody respects me, I'm just seen as an answer dispenser where ever I go. Nobody seems to actively want to talk to me unless they have a question and think I know the answer. I try to talk to people about things, but with my autism, it is difficult. My interests are very narrow: construction, military, and animals to name a few. But I try to talk to people about other things, like sports. But speaking of tge military, that is something else that makes me feel ashamed. Here I am, almost 25 years old, and I've spent all this time at school or an office. A lot of my male relatives were in the military, including my grandfather and uncle. Before I went to college, I told them I would join the army. My uncle thought I should join the army because he thought I was smart enough for it, but I insisted on joining the army. But I didn't. I lied, I instead went off the college, starting out at a community College. How can I be a respectable man when I don't even join the military. My grandfather had died some time ago, and my mother would tell me he was proud of what I have done, but I cannot believe that. I would be disappointed in me if I were him. He was surely convinced that I had my mind set on joining the army, but no. Instead, his grandson sits in an office working on a computer all day. It is very shameful, but now I'm too old to enlist. I volunteer at an annual event for veterans, but that doesn't make up for it, does it?
Along with feeling as if I have no respect, I also feel discouraged by my lack of achievements. Sure, I have two degrees, but I don't have a masters, and there is someone my age who I work with that has a masters! Imagine how my employers view me compared to this person. Well, you have the autistic 24 year old with no honor vs the other 24 year with a Bachelors and a Masters! I must have lucked out when I was hired. Worse, there are people my age with families and a masters. I have yet to even have a girlfriend. Where did I mess up so bad? I have my reasons for not pursuing a masters, but it may just be the way for me to justify myself even if it costs me so much. But as I mentioned earlier, this could be quite gamble, and I really would rather not take out loans and be in debt.
The last thing I would like to speak to is my social life and in a broader sense, my view of the myself in this world. I don't really have any friends and no girlfriend. Im not sure how to make any because I live in an area where there arent many people my age. I've lost my direction in life. After realizing how critical it is if I go or not go back to college, I just can't decide what I want to do with my life anymore. The world has become so dull to me now. I spend my days staring at black text on white screens as I review paperwork. The only time I've felt alive is when I went to Europe in the winter by myself or when I volunteer at the event. Traveling is fun, but my stress has made me bored of the world. It was crushing, when i thought about going back to Europe, but i thought to myself, nah that sounds boring. But now, I can't get excited about my future or anything. Who knows, even if I get my masters or move to another country, who's to say I won't be doing the same tedious and life sapping work. I know it's not all paperwork, there are interesting things I can do in my field (like 3D modeling and drawing), but this is all I seemingly get assigned to do. It's like I no longer have anything to look forward to. If you read all of my rambling, thank you. I'm sorry if it sound incoherent or if it sounds of angsty venting.
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I'm not your age, and I don't have autism, but I can relate to some things you said. As a teen, most people would assume that I have the best life, a lot of friends, have dated several people, love myself the way I am, am not weight conscious, and don't have a care in the world about anything else. I'm sorry to reveal how opposite my life is from that. I have friends but not that many, I haven't ever been in a relationship, very conscious about my weight after hating my appearance, and getting fat-shamed most of my life. I care too much about what people think of me, that I lost all the self-confidence that I used to have. I haven't even made it to my freshman year yet, and I'm already stressing about what I'm gonna do after graduation, how my life's gonna turn out, the type of job I'll get, and whatnot. I'm also worrying about what's gonna happen in the next four or five tears to come rather than what going on right now. My life is all over the place and has me feeling as if I have to outshine my siblings to be noticed even a little bit, act so mature to the point I seem like I'm a mom or older than I truly am, and never get appreciated for the shit I do. While we both share the same interests; specifically construction and military, there are some slight differences. I got into construction and things similar to that by watching my mom make several things out of wood and putting together things, fixing things around the house, and even making mini things out of what I have lying around. I'm starting by taking woodworking classes at school, but the military one, however, was by me looking up to past relatives and my dad. I'm not sure how long my relatives served, but my dad did for 21 years in the Navy and became a Chief Petty Officer. I promise I don't mean to brag about any of this or compare myself to you in any way. If that's how it comes across, I deeply apologize.
Just know that you are enough no matter what others say about you and that you can do anything you put your mind to. If you wanna go for that Master's degree, go for it! You do you man, you got this.
Replyin the next four or five years to come*
making several things out of wood, putting together things, fixing things around the house, and me attempting to make mini-things out of stuff lying around the house.*
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