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Dear xxx,
Sorry for censoring your name, in case someone recognizes this, and mostly because I don't want to see your name again.
Hi, it's me. The one who wouldn't stop pursuing you even after you subtly rejected me. Let's start from the beginning, shall we?
The first time I met you was during the interview. Honestly, I didn't think much about you. Even after sometime, I didn't even have a convo with you. You probably was the same. We were strangers, even we were clubmates. Before contacting you, I was infatuate with someone else so that may be the reason I didn't acknowledge your existence. But that person wasn't interested in me at all. I kinda sulk for a while, then tried to move on. By my definition, it means to find someone else so you won't have to think about your crush. One day, I was with other clubmates, one of the senpai told me about your grade and I had an idea. I like annoying others so later that day, using your grade as an excuse, I initiated a convo with you. well I might caused too much trouble but it was fine after all. Since then, we chatted alot, we video called each other, I kinda spent a lot of time on you since I take this relationship serious. But after a week, you didn't want to continue. you told me the reason was that I was leading the relationship on and she felt controlled. If things were only simple as that. You said I couldn't change myself, and didn't give me any chance to explain. I would have moved on if not for those words. I can change. I used to be in a very serious relationship. I changed a lot. My ex helped shaping into a better human being. You could say that my life changed when we were together. Back to the point, I can change, and I will change if I find something or someone for me to be serious, in this case you. You said I would never change. I beg to differ. If I can't change, then why did I keep chasing you, knowing that you will never look my way again. I was numb, I wasn't upset, I just didn't know what to feel, or to do. After sometime, I was able to live normally again. But i forgot we're still in the same club. No matter, I'll just be normal, forgetting everything ever happened. Until one day, I heard that you were admitted to hospital for surgery. At first, I didn't want to contact you. But my heart (or mind idk) got the better of me and again, I found myself infatuate with you. This time, I tried my best to show you that I am worth your time. I spent my time to check on you even though I was running late for my class. No problem, seeing you makes my heart race. I thought I had the chance. But no, again, you shunned me. Later, a clubmate sent me her messages with you, basically complaining about me. That's when I know, how shitty a human being I was. According to you, I was demanding, controlling and manipulative. I couldn't agree more. My parents were the same, and I hate them for that. But I grew up into the thing I hate the most. I blamed myself my past errors. I know that these toxic traits need to go away. Since then, I always refrain from contacting you, because I know nothing good will happen. Just few days ago, we were doing some tasks for the club, and again we met. I acted like a jerk again, because I couldn't contain my feelings. After the meeting, I felt you might feel interested in me, so I texted you. But all I got was another cold shoulder. Deserving, I told myself. Also pathetic. Not only that, in the group chat, I felt like every time I said something to you, you either ignore or acted ruthless towards me. And when I saw you happily talking to another guy, I felt jealous. What a pathetic human being I am, no? I loathed myself for thinking that, because first, that would be rude to the other guy. second, who am I to interfere with your life? I guess I'm no one. I'm tired of my school, family, love life. I do have friends but I don't want to bother them with this problem. And I'm sure they can't do anything about it. Yes, they will listen but that's all. I'm suicidal. Have always been like this for years (even though I'm young, yes, currently, I'm under 20 so I can be called stupid or something idk). But I don't have a goal. I just exist, not live. I just follow the rules. I don't have anything that can really interest me for so long (except for games, though they, too, are only temporary). I can always end my life anytime. Because I don't have any attachment to this world. That's why I seek a connection. I want a partner, a lover. Someone who can connect with me physically, mentally, and spiritually. Someone who will scold me for my mistakes and still care about me. Someone who knows to give me space and love my merits as well as the demerits. They don't have to be perfect, I just need them to be real (and close too since I couldn't stand long-distance relationship). If I have someone like that, I would dedicate my whole life to them. I would actually become a better person because now I have a real goal. I'll study and work hard so I can provide them with everything they want. I would do everything (within my capabilities) for them. I just need them to truly love me, always.
Sorry for using you as a leeway. I just need to vent. Thank you for being in my life, though not long. I hope that you will never read this, or in case you recognize this then please, do not bring this up.
Yours truly,
A pitiful soul
P/S: For anyone who's reading this, thank you for spending time reading this long letter. I apologize if there's something you might not understand, English isn't exactly my forte. If you sympathize with my feelings, thank you for existing, atleast i know that there's someone out there who's like me. Or if you don't agree with me at all, do tell me. I'm open for any constructive criticism. Thank you again
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