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Why do I always have to be like this? Why do I always have to embaress myself? Can't I please be fucking normal? I hate being myself but I dont know how to change myself. I'm trying to go more outsifr and everything but I dont have many friends so what should I go outside for? I hate myself. I try to be less awkward and not say weird stuff but it just comes out. Atp I only feel comfy around my online friends but I want actual physical affection. I want someone to hug me when I'm sad. I hate the person I am.
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I sympathize with you. I have a hard time reading social cues, don't get involved in any "normal activities" that I can connect with people about, self-conscious, etc. I have gotten better in many of these regards, and I think a lot of that came about two-fold, and maybe this will help you - if you want.
1. I started doing the 'normal things' and watching videos about charisma. So I started watching the shows other people watch, going to gym etc so that I had something to connect with people about and I started watching a show called "Charisma on Command" I thought it was really interesting and through watching the charisma skills in real time I started to pick up on some of them and tried using them. It felt very awkward at first, but it got positive reactions. I eventually got more comfortable using these methods so that they come a bit more naturally now and I see that people respond to me more positively than they did.
2. Fake it till you make it - the thing about being comfortable is that it is a moving metric. Your comfort levels change throughout your life. You have to do more things that make you uncomfortable so that you can find comfort in the uncomfortable. Your metric eventually begins to shift. Now - the final step is embracing yourself as you are - and I haven't quite gotten there - but if you know Russel Brand at all, you can see that he is also a kind of naturally awkward person, same with the guy that plays the new spider man. But they both kinda use it to their advantage and its because they 'love themselves' and have embraced who they are. That is the end goal, but working on yourself and doing what you can to better yourself and get more involved in your community will help that come naturally. - Best wishes!
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