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I have a brief, blurry memory of being violated when I was somewhere between the ages of 3 and 4. All I remember is the sounds and the feeling of my violation. The weight of his body on top of me, him kissing my neck while I just laid there silent. I also can visually remember his body on top of mine while the light shined in the room, but that’s about it. I can’t remember who it was, but I have an idea (mainly because of my age and the dress I was wearing when it happened). It wasn’t a rape, at least I don’t think it was. He just roughly dry-humped me. I never told anybody that…EVER. And I can’t say I ever intend to.
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I’m so sorry you had to experience something like that and have a partial memory and always wonder, but sometimes it is better not to know everything. Something similar happened to me but I remember everything, but I wish I didn’t. I was 6-7 years old when my male babysitter made me give him oral and had anal intercourse with me. I also remember seeing my 8 year old sister be sexually assaulted by our own father, which did include intercourse. This happened until she was 13.
All I can say is if you are having these reoccurring memories frequently and it bothers you and is affecting your life, it may not be a bad idea to see some professional health as I am.
I hope everything works out for you. We are here for you if you need it.
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