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I'm going through a crisis at the moment but I'm effectively burying my head in the sand. I can say I've been in a relationship once in my life which does make me happier than thinking I've never been in one at all but I'm still no further. As much as I try not to pin hopes on the idea of my one true love who is meant to just turn up and make everything ok, I can't help but swipe left constantly on dating apps. Why are the so called men of this age in my area so damn ugly, tattooed, bearded or just obsessed with their body image and travelling. I don't feel like other people and I know I'm not like them. I'm 29 years old, still living with my parents in a house full of mind numbing, stress inducing clutter that is the root of all upset yet year upon year just gets worse rather than getting better and I'm drowning in it.
An only child by choice, (my parents could have tried for another if I had said I wanted a little brother or sister or just ignored my wishes not to share their love with another soul but they obeyed me) I have always been happy in my own world.
I started life the usual way, school, college and then a degrading cleaning job that I would go to every day with my Dad. Sure, I got into the swing of listening to radio, music and podcasts as I tootled around with my cleaning supplies but it wasn't long before the place became toxic and we were batted from one contract company to another. I experienced bullying from people above me and was constantly accused of doing things wrong when I can assure you, I never did. I was targeted time and time again and things got much worse when I allowed one of my best friends from school's Father to come and work there, thinking it would be a perfect way to get a lift home and not have to wait 2 hours for my Dad at the time. He turned out to be completely unhinged and fearing for my safety, I tried to quietly get moved away from him but it ended badly with me being made out like some pathetic girl, the type that would accuse an innocent man of being obsessed with her just for attention.
He eventually got moved but it ruined my friendship with that friend and I never would tell her the shocking things he said to me and how he made me feel.
After this upset, I found someone, we fell in love and it was still the happiest time in my life but also the most tumultuous because my emotions were heightened to extremes. I was so in love with him but then the jealousy would eat me up inside and make me feel so angry and it was extremely hard to handle for me and for him.
This guy was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and I thought he would want to come and live with me in my home town eventually. Unfortunately, he had greater plans for himself than me. He set out a whole fantasy in his mind of him being some famous guy who everyone loves, living in London and being a social butterfly. Not to mention his obsession with travelling. I think I do need to step out of my comfort zone once in a while when I get the chance so I can feel what it's like to fly and go to another country but I just wasn't ready for that yet and still don't know if I am.
Something I always tell myself when I feel down about not having my own family yet is "yes, but you're still alive and some girls who have had everything laid out before them have been murdered or just died from cancer or something. You're still here. Living, breathing and able to enjoy the simplest pleasures of life like fresh air, nice food, films, music, games, your comfy bed, cats, your parents. That isn't nothing."
I actually ordered a walking pad on ebay a few weeks ago and I'm really hoping if and when it does actually arrive, I'll be able to store it ok and more importantly be able to exercise my body properly in the small space I've got. I have a park over the road but it's cold and I don't want to go out looking a mess. I just want to invigorate my senses and see if it makes a difference to my mindset because right now it's bleak.
Deep down I would love a job but I'm as picky with jobs as I am with men. I want something handed to me on a plate that I love and wont be tied down to. I want to come and go as I please and still make money but yet I still haven't got my own business which must be what I'm destined to do.
I will write again when I need to get stuff off my chest but for now, it just felt good to be able to put my feelings out there, however boring they may be to anyone else.
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Thank you for writing. That’s right you are living and able to enjoy and appreciate the smallest of things. May you find a job of kind and supportive people, regardless you will always be an example and role model to everyone around you. I appreciate you. Thank you for being with us. Thank you for sharing your story.
ReplyThanks for your support, I appreciate it. ☻ I've had a job interview yesterday that I haven't told my extended family about as I never would unless I got the job. I really hope I do get it but if not, I can't be too disheartened, it's provided me with some more interview experience.
ReplyThank you for your post. I look forward to reading your next one.
ReplySending my warmest regards to you. Hope you're doing well yourself and I will post another in due course.
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