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I'm in my early twenties currently M and this is my first time sharing this with anyone.
I am a introverted and timid person. I was the same as a child. My cousin who is around 10 years older than me and his family were our neighbours. I used to go to his house to play as he had lots of toys from childhood and he used play along with me because i found it hard to make friends and my parents were working most of the time as we were short of money mostly. I liked him and thought of him as a real big brother.
He started grooming and abusing me around 7 years of age. First it started by him bad touching me while playing. Like he would start by tickiling and slowly start to weirdly touch me. Then he slowly became more and more abusive. He scared me and manipulated me by saying that he will tell everyone what I was doing while it was him abusing me. I was a child and got scared and didn't tell anyone. To this day I think if I could just go back in time just for a few moments i wish to go there and just tell someone what he was doing. Then he started to tell me that everyone likes to do this and adults did this all the time to get pleasure and i should enjoy this. He would tell this to me everytime and when i used to say i don't, he would manipulate me by saying stuff like you are lying or you are just a shy kid and you will start to enjoy this.
It worsened progressively to the point where he would tell me to comeby later at specific times as suited to him and then he would abuse me and if I didn't he would threaten me by saying that if i didn't come next time he will tell everyone. I knew it was wrong but i as a child i did not that none of this was my fault. This continued for 4 years. Then came the worst part. He started prompting me to do what he was doing to me someone else. He would always say it. Then one day one of our other cousin and his family came to our house to visit. He is 5 years younger than me. The older cousin threatened me and told me to do the same to the younger one. I was twelve at the time. One day both the younger cousin's and my parents went out and we were alone at home. I was so scared of the older one that i had started following everything he said and told me to do. I grabbed my cousin by both his arms and laid him down on the floor. He became agitated and said stop and leave me alone and started struggling. I touched him once with my hand. I did not like it. He was still agitated and about to cry. In that moment i saw my younger self in him and realized i was doing the same as my cousin. I finally realised what was done to me for so many years was wrong and digusting. I never went to his house again.But i could not stop thinking that i was the same as my cousin. That i had also become an abuser. For many years that was all i could think. Instead of putting blame on my cousin i kept thinking that i was a very bad person and someone should punish me. But i still didn't tell anyone. As i grew older and became more exposed to the world and internet i realized and realized that how sick grooming and abuse was but kept blaming myself for being such a bad person. But through all this i still kept studying. I got out of that house when my school ended and as i got into college where i currently am. But when i made friends here and talked about previous life like school and home, i realized how messed up i was (didnt share anything about all this). All my self respect vanished. I hated myself and used to think someone should kill me. I fell into depression and developed pretty bad anxiety about everything. Got on antidepressants, failed every exam and gave revaluation exams, could not talk much or even start a conversation especially with girls. I've recently started to work to get better but i am still unable to process that my cousin was at fault and not me(i dont deny that i was about to do same). I know it but i am unable to accept it. I dont know why. I just see myself as the bad guy still.
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i was also sexually abused by my cousin and an older baby sitter when I was 6-7 years old. it is really hard to deal with and i still struggle. we didnt know what was and wasnt okay at that age. I hope you can get this under control and get some help. I just started to talk about this stuff with my therapist, which i never believed in before, but it seems to be starting to help. good luck okay.
ReplyYou really should talk to a therapist about all of this. This will help to put it behind you, take away the guilt, and allow you to go ahead with your life without this bothering you. When you abused this cousin you paid out for what happened to you but that wasn't the right way to go about it.
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