i have trouble understanding me.

these past few months have been hard to be honest. i can't seem to get a grip on school, i can't seem to be happy enough with myself anymore, i can't seem to like much i do anymore either.

i have been with my boyfriend for 2 1/2 almost 3 years ago and i love him to death. but sometimes, i don't feel that it's mutual. since the start, i have started the conversations, i have taken the risks, i have been the one to make the first move. you can guess, overtime it begins to get draining. it's made me realize that maybe the relationship isnt 50/50. i have brought this up to him a few times and he changes for the time being, but a few months pass and it's back to how it was. outside of school, we barely talk or text. i have to start the conversation first, unless he needs something from me. and even if i do start the conversation, it doesnt last long. i love this man, i really do. but, sometimes i feel like the feelings arent mutual. i have tried and tried again, and everything i can do. when we are together, we are the best couple youll ever see. we are laughing, having a good time. feeling great together. but, when we arent together it's so different.

i used to never be self conscious about myself. actually, before a few days ago i can't remember a time that i WAS conscious about myself and how i looked. a few days ago though, i just began to get these thoughts that i wasnt good enough. it could be from the constant efforts i have to put into what feels like a one sided relationship. i feel like i need to be more skinny, more energetic, more understanding, more patient. because of said feelings, i decided to try fasting. i know that isn't the best way to lose weight, but for me it makes me feel good. the feeling of being hungry is calming. the craving i have for food makes me feel stronger knowing that i refuse to eat. i also have been drinking caffeine all morning, and the feeling of the caffeine taking over me makes me have this wave of euphoria. it makes me feel like all the efforts ive put in and all of the struggles my boyfriend and i have been through worth it.