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I feel all the power is in my hand. I carry a serious face ever since four years ago and everyone thinks I'm angry even when I'm not. It gets me upset, but I learned to calm down and instead smile and say this is how I always look because in reality it is. I'm easily annoyed, mean, sarcastic and I find it hard to notice sometimes, but today two thing I didn't mean happened. I won't get into detailed what it was, but it made me guilty a and tear up.
I wanted to fall down to the floor and bang my head against the bathroom stall, but I found myself laughing a bit. What would crying do? Fix the problem? No. Would it show I was a good person? No. What would everyone else think if they saw me crying? Was I doing this to see pity? or was it to show I was innocent? tHow could I be so arrogant into thinking everything would be fixed? They already said it was alright, but I know that didn't make it right.
It was small get over it I thought to myself, but so what if it's small. I don't know how much it hurt the other people. Why should I move on so quickly as if nothing happened? Well, what happened happen. There's no changing that, but shouldn't I reflect more on it? Or just let it be it's in the past?
I pass by two of them and as soon as I pass by they glare at me and judge me so quickly. I wanted to glare back and stay serious, but what good what that do? So I just plastered a fake smile and walked past them. Be kind I reminded myself. Be the person you are, not the person they portray you.
It's tearing me apart. All of it. I say I don't care, but I do. Then, I say I do, but then I say I don't. I can't figure myself out, but after today I wonder if I just do more bad than good. Am I that selfish that I don't notice how I affect others?
I'm proud of myself that I don't cause a scene anymore. I'm starting to understand the reasons why people view me in the bad way they do, and they have all the reason to, but it still hurts. (I apologize my thoughts are all connected and jumbled.)
My education is good. A's and maybe B's, and everyone says I'm smart and intelligent young lady, but I don't think so. I feel as though everyone is like this. I've been called more than a nerd in a good way. I've been told I push myself too hard and I've once been asked why I felt the need to be so perfect.
This got me thinking that time and now it's gotten me thinking again. I starting to see that maybe I just do my best, worry that I won't do good, and I push myself too hard because I think that this is the only way anyone will notice me. It's because I think I'll end up unwanted and not heard because I don't have looks, but with brains I'll be seen. I'll be loved. I will be given the validation I wanted.
As I grow older I notice my parents give me less attention and give it to my brothers. So, I realized I've been trying to impress my parents with the awards I get to be seen more, but I still haven't caught their attention. Since, I can't receive it from them I'm trying to find it in my teachers, and peers.
But since I can't get it from them all the time I'm trying to find it somewhere else. I use books as a substitute. I pretend the female lead getting all the love from the male lead, is me receiving it from a person who sees me for me, not for what I'm supposed to be. I even rely on online fictional characters to make me feel wanted and needed. That's why I imagine. I try to substitute the love I need for something else that make me feel the same thing. I just don't know why I'm barely realizing it now.
I mean so what? So, what if I realize it now? So, what if I'm starting to understand myself in a deeper level. The problem is still there. I don't know how to fix it. It's not like I can find a person who will forever be there for me. Who will fill my heart with love.
So, I try to distract myself from the reality. I try to with my fantasies, and thoughts that I can live without, but maybe I can't because even though I deny all of this maybe it's eating at me from the inside.
No one, will truly care if I had this problem. Even if I told them they'd just forget the next day, the next week. I'm not important, but I want to be important. I want to be wanted and needed.
This leads me to realize something. I've told myself that I want a submissive partner, but I never thought exactly why. Not until now. I see that I want to be in control. I'd be manipulative and I'd be a horrible partner. I'm scared of being left alone. Yes, that's it, but I don't want to be seen as desperate so I tell myself I don't need a partner in hopes one day the right person will appear for me, but I'm not sure I would deserve that person.
This then leads to something else. Since, I snap back into the real life that my fantasies are just dreams and made up things I start to think being a beauty is my only way out to achieve that feeling of being wanted, needed, and important, but a part of me is telling me that may cause me more damage to me than it will do good. It'll drive me insane until I can't handle it any longer.
I don't know what to do anymore and all I can do is be optimistic, positive, stay quiet sometimes, keep calm and do what is said to be right, but in reality I just want to be gone from this earth. No one, not even you, would care in the end. People die every day, and you don't care. So, I'll just be another speck on the wall you pass by everyday. I'll be nothing to you and to others. It's hard for me to accept this to the point where even though I say I've accepted it. Maybe I truly haven't. I guess I'm really delusional in my own heart and mind. Blinded by the lack of needs and wants not being met. Take care please from me. (again I'm sorry. My thoughts are all just too mixed up and connected to each other for me to put them into separate ideas.)
-Bandit
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Hi there! I think those feelings you describe are totally normal. I don't think there's nothing wrong with the core of you. Maybe some wounds to heal and new behaviors to embody and generations of wrongs to fix. A LOT going on everyday so we are all on edge. What helps me is either witnessing of creating small acts of kindness. Like smiling back or buying someone their favorite candy (you?). I found this blog under huge distress. Now I'm here giving advice to others because I do care and there are millions like us :) If you leave too early it defeats your soul's purpose. Stay for long, a lot can change in a day. And that day will come; and you have to be here. Hugs and I'll pray supportive people fall in soon !
ReplyBandit,
You have a gifted and talented mind. Awareness on the level of genius. You are a phenomenal writer. It is a joy to read something so real, so raw, that cuts to the bone of who we all ARE.
My friend, you know homeless people?
When I see them all they tell me is who I am, not who they are. They tell me I am selfish, I am afraid, I am apathetic, I am impatient, I am seeking pleasing sensation. But guess what? If, IF we want to survive in this world that is who we HAVE to be. We have to be selfish. We have to set boundaries. We have to pretend like the people who have lost sensitivity to pain or pleasure are in another dimension to even bare to continue to being alive. We have to swallow our ego, and accept the superficial nature of what sentience consists of, all its merits and flaws.
god I look forward to reading more from you. It is refreshing to read from someone who rips apart the facade of who we think ourselves to be, to instead show us unapologetically who we actually are.
Thank you so so much for your input, your writing, your mind. You are sincerely appreciated.
Your words have impacted me, changed my life in this here brief moment.
So don’t ever think you are insignificant. A mosquito is tiny, and countless, but boy when they sting, we can feel it.
We see you. We feel you. We hear you. We understand you. Thank you for being alive and delighting us with your presence on this here earth!
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