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idk if this is my give up story.....to all my friends, the comments here, and just everything else in life.
2 months ago · 3 · death, +15
206
I don't plan on staying for long. I'm sorry for me being so distant, not that I ever was close but I've never really told any of you what goes on with my life. Even though we're all so close. I think I've talked about 1 small thing. But nothing like the big secrets I hold. We're close, just I'm not close with anyone to really tell. And maybe that's my fault. I never text, I never really use my phone. Just for songs but I put it on my speaker from my computer and stay in my room all day, no one questions why I have headphone in every single period, because it's what everyone does, but sadly enough mine is for a reason that I'd like to distract myself from. I have everything a happy person would want right, but I don't really have it. I have a big house yes, I love it. But people just use me most of the time for my house and parties which I refuse to hold one at my house because it doesn't feel right, plus I'm not a big party person, you all would know since I haven't came to most of the parties, 99.9% time I don't come. And I have a bunch of friends, and even a boyfriend. I love all my friends, it's just they don't really know me, they just know school me. They've come to my house. I think 5 times in 3 years, maybe even less, but one of my friends opened up to me, that's it. And I talked about something of mine, brief, and that's all. I have a boyfriend, and he's everything to me. It's an LDR but idgaf. He gives me the world when all I really ever want is just him. He makes sure I'm not just existing but living too. He makes sure I eat my food or drink water, but I lie. I lie that I ate my food, or that I drink water. I throw out my food in school, no one suspects a thing. I lie to everyone, because I'm pathetic and really don't wanna live. You know the saying when it says something like "you can't help someone who chooses not to help themselves". Every time someone here comments and helps me, I feel like I'd physically wish someone could tell it to my face. It would feel more realistic. It would feel more real. Like I love seeing these comments but I never reply because I'm signed in on my account and I don't want anyone to see who it is. Because I'm all the same person. I don't wanna log out because I'd have to sign back in and I'm lazy. But I do read your guys' comments and heart them. So maybe yk now? But I wish someone in real life could just tell me why I should stay and even so maybe I'd consider it. I think a lot about what you guys comment and it feels so nice to see people who want the best for me, not even knowing my situation. Even though none really know me, I wish I had the effort to tell someone what has happened recently maybe in real life, but I can't...because I'm "the happy girl" "I keep everyone happy, give them advice and make sure I'm there" but they don't know me. I'm the sad emo girl, who cries every time she comes home from school, she doesn't know whether she loves home or school more. She'd rather be in art class all day even though knowing she isn't even that great. I wanna scream all this pain out and hope that it won't ever come back. I hate that I have to beg for happiness. Why is it so hard to get/reach....? Maybe one day I'll be happy, dead or alive. Just one day.
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Well you know words on a page are just as good and can be as hurtful as someone speaking them to you. But I understand your point you'd rather hear them spoken from someone's mouth. I don't have all the answers for you I just hope youll see death isn't the answer for all the pain emotions etc you're feeling and going through. You don't have to necessarily try to make everyone happy. You can't give from an empty cup. I understand I used to try to please everyone around me but funny they never worried about my happiness and were nowhere to be found in my darkest times. Sometimes you have to put yourself and your own happiness first. Your happiness matters too. Hang in there xx
Replyhello my love. There's a song I like a lot. It says " my lucky day will soon arrive, very much before my death, my luck will change, then I will be very lucky". The song continues with a series of stories of how people suffer from different things in this world, but one day it all changes for the good. Hnag in there! We all are! Love you, we are here for you
ReplyIt's ok to be who you are specifically if you're not hurting anyone. "Introvert" comes to mind, and in my humble observation some of the most creative people are introverted. Best of luck.
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1 Thessalonians 5:11
Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.
Mark 12:28-31
And Christ Jesus said the 2 greatest commandments are:
Love God first and foremost.
Love your fellow-being as you love yourself.
From following or not following these, all good or evil cascades, respectively.
Love...that powerful, invisible, intangible force that cannot be denied; even atheists live and die by it.
Mary, Mother of Christ, intercede for us with your prayers, now, and always.
And after our worst deeds - never forget God forgives us when we repent through Christ Jesus.
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