Disorded eating

I'm confused. I just don't understand why I do this. What even is THIS that I'm talking about? I'm not sure, there's no label that I know of. Because what I do is not anorexia or bulimia or any of those. I just have a hard time bringing myself to care about eating, or taking care of myself in general. It's like I can't bring myself to care about myself in that way. And I'm not saying that in a edgy "I hate myself" way, I'm just... a bit indifferent. I don't understand why, though. Why am I so indifferent about my health? Why do I find it hard to care about my basic needs? I try to find solace in the fact I don't fall under the category of any of your most "basic" eating disorders but that doesn't change the fact that my eating is disorded. Just because I don't throw up my meals, doesn't mean my eating habits are good, normal. They're not. There's been multiple occasions I eat my first meal at 8-9 pm. Sometimes I won't eat all day and when I finally do, I'm so hungry I just stuff myself. Then it's not even fun to eat, my body is just screaming for food. I'm nauseous, I eat and then I'm full and I somehow feel even worse than before I ate, even more nauseous.

It's not normal, even if I'm not throwing up or anything. And for some sick reason, I find.. a bit of pleasure knowing I'm not healthy. This is the thing that bothers me the most, not the fact that I'm doing something unhealthy but the fact that I enjoy knowing it's not healthy. I'd never say this out loud to my friends. They'd be horrified, I know I am. But I can't stop it. It's a bit scary. I used to watch those what I eat in a day videos but luckily I'm self aware enough to know those just feed into my bad eating habits. I guess I wanted to feel validated and that's why I watched those? Well, I don't really do that anymore so that's something to be happy about, I guess.

I do eat. I eat enough to keep me at a healthy weight but other than that, my relationship with food is just.. odd. It's not that I don't like food- I do like food. And it's not that I don't like my body. It's something entirely different. It's something I don't understand. I just won't sometimes eat when my body tells me to. Sometimes I forget and sometimes I just can't be bothered. And most of the time I won't even call my habits an eating disorder. It probably, most likely is, but I usually just call it disorded eating in my head, as if that's gonna make a difference. Basically almost the same thing.

I'm not sure why I wrote this. Maybe I'm trying to see if someone has experienced these same thoughts? I'm just weirded out by how I feel about myself. The unwillingness to take care of myself, the blatant indifference. I don't understand. Why is it so hard to just get up and eat