P, F, R, D, S and K

If any of you are reading this, im honestly surprised. I hope you know how much i treasure our friendgroup and my relationship with each of you.

But i cant deny the fact that i envy you, every one of you with everything that you do, from looks to achievements.

Im aware that im not a pretty sight, im not symmetrical, my teeth are weird and im not skinny. P i wish i was like you, i used to think i was happy with how i looked but i cant help but wish i had your body, your face, your teeth. I wish i could pull off having long hair like you do, and i wish i was effortlessly funny like you.

People will tell me to accept and love myself, but i cant. I want to be something else, i dont want this skin and ive always loathed my existence.

All of you are athletes except K, and K is good at chess, which rules me out as the only person without any talent whatsoever. I hate being non athletic. I know the burden it carries, how much you NEED to win in order to please other people but its something, an achievement, that your parents would proudly show off to their friends. But im not any of that. I rot in my bed and consume media while the rest of you are out and playing volleyball. And i feel so guilty everyytime i realize that.

D i wish i was like you, i wish i had your seemingly light and flawless skin, your soft hair and your eyes. I wish i was popular too. I wish i had light skin too.

Youve always been so pretty to me, no matter how many times you brought yourself down and called yourself ugly, i know itts not true. Theres a part of me though that finds it kind of offensive, if YOURE ugly, then what am i?

I wish i was like you, R. I wish i had your curly hair and height, i wish ii didnt habe to get a perm, and spend time putting curlers in my hair, when in another universe i could have been born with flawless hair like yours. I wish i had white teeth like you, too. I wish i could run like you, and not stop half a lap.

F, I wish i was like you, with your pretty eyes and pretty eyelashes. I dont stand a chance against you, i mean you? Compared to me? Its pretty obvious who people would pick. I wish i could pull off bangs like you do. I wish i didnt have such dry, cracking lips. And i wish i didnt have such a deep voice, i wish i was popular like you too.

S i wish i was like you, i wish i had skin like yours, silky hair like you do. I wish i was skinny like you, and i wish i had a mom like yours and i wish teachers liked me as mucj as they liked you. I wish i knew how to play volleyball then maybe i could make up for myself.

And K , i wish iw as like you. I wish i wasnt born a girl, that i was a boy instead, then i wouldnt have to write this letter, i wouldnt be so conscious of how i look, how i act. I wouldnt have these breasts, this uterus and i wouldnt have to worry about reproducing. I wouldnt have to worry as much when im walking alone in a street.

A part of me is starting to dislike you guys though. Remember when me and F were in a RP marriage? And me and her divorced because of me finding an actual boyfriend? You guys would bring up me "cheating" on F every chance you guys got. And i hated it so much. Youd team up on me and id get hit, and you guys would tell me insults and or hurtful words (im looking at you, F, R, P,S) And id have to sit there and laugh it off. Its not funny. I remember as of recently i made a silly face and F called me bridget from trolls, and i was hurt, i didnt find it funny anymore. But i had to take it because it was only a joke. R would give me unsolicited insults as a joke, and i was expected to laugh itnoff and take it. And when i talked back, she would do it even more. When in valentines day i wrote to F and nobody approached me to give me a letter. I looked so stupid, and god. That was such a humbling moment, as if i wasnt already humbled.

Gill, i wish i could be like you. To be so effortlessly pretty, i want to know how its like to wake up pretty, to be born pretty, to die knowing you were pretty. But you dont know youre pretty. And i wish i had that too. To be pretty and not know it. But instead im ugly, and i know it. I wish i had your body, i wish i could pull off jeans the way you do.

I know im ugly, i know im lazy, im not skinny, my eyes arent symmetrical, and my face is covered in pimples and acne, my teeth are weird and my arms and legs are hairy, my hair is frizzy, andthe way i walk is strange. Im so so aware and i hate it. So if any of you see this, im sorry. Im only a kid.