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Everything right now seems kind of pointless. Especially since I was always told that I should work hard, achieve high grades, do a lot of extracurriculars and much more everyone seems to expect. I was told all of this in a way that it is the only path I could take. Even though all of what I was told came from good natured people. I still can help but feel that it is wrong. That even if I work hard towards something and achieve it or not. At the end of the day all this hard work is pointless.
I recently learned that hard work doesn't equal success. Many times, in one of my classes I always gotten a C. I studied late at night. Did all the assignments on time. And did retakes to make up for lost points. I never actually improved. Either the subject was too hard, or the teacher was too strict in grading. I believe it was most likely the ladder. At the beginning I had brimming optimism, that I could pass all my classes with an A. Now my optimism dimmed.
All that extra work was little to nothing. Even if I work hard, understand the material but still answer the test questions wrong. What is the point? After what happened, I'd also learned the hard way that nothing is ever guaranteed. Effort doesn't equal success.
To my friends, family and others I keep a optimistic, hopeful and positive attitude. Who doesn't want to be happy? But I wasn't all that happy as it seems. My friends hopefulness towards grades, and improving them rubbed off on me. My parents said something like, "your friends are good people and a good influence". I am still friends with them. But I have my doubts.
For one their hopefulness has led me almost nowhere most of the time when I tried to improve my grades. Being hopeful is great but you are hoping for things that are almost unobtainable. Hope is just like a wish. Hopes are our wants and needs. And we wish for our hopes. Hope to me is a waste of time. It is pointless. It doesn't make me happy.
Another thing I learned the hard way is that, you just have to accept it. No matter how hard you studied for. And the results might not be what you wanted. I've gotten some okay, and less than impressive grades. I used to be so preoccupied feeling sorry for myself. I felt I was a dumb, and useless person who couldn't improve. And it didn't help that everyone around me always praised the good grades, and always complained the bad grades even if it was a point off to the max.
People have high expectations around me, that also influenced me to be like them. After all the studying. I've learned that high expectations were unreasonable. You will never get exactly what you wanted. Life doesn't work in your favor. So you have to be realistic.
I had one friend I hardly see. I was surprised at how much they changed. They were involved in the college advising club. My friend always hopeful, optimistic and positive told me this: "I tell myself in the mirror that I can be whatever I wanted, and achieve anything. If I want something it will be achieved." Do you see how flawed this logic is? You can't imagine yourself in the mirror, hope and wish for your dreams to expect it to work. 100% of the time. If I did that. I would be nowhere. My friend's logic is wishy washy and flawed. So I believe it is best not to talk for a while.
But there is still a part of me wanting to correct their flawed logic. Because I used to be like them. When I wished and hoped. I never gotten what I wanted. And ended up disappointed. So disappointed that it felt that everything was pointless. Pointless for trying and thinking. It was almost all a waste.
Is it a waste after all? That is a hard question. But I do know that I've learned so much overtime. And if I never had people around me, influencing me to do better. I would do so much worse.
It is like 2 halves of me are divided on this answer. Yes life/effort/studying is pointless and is not. I just don't know exactly what is best for me. Should I be like my friends and study to death or should I carve out my own path? I know what I want deep down. But it is hard to actually be fully committed to it. I've always wanted to be a musician, artist or entrepreneur. All these careers seem so freeing unlike my current reality. It seems so sad. I can never truly get true freedom.
I have to make an decision. I have to get what I want. And not let the outside influence of others. Is the only way I can find happiness and a sense of purpose. Only then I won't feel like everything is so pointless kind of attitude.
Thank you for reading even though it was long and quite pessimistic. I just want to clarify that hopelessness is not the answer. Without hope there is no purpose or point of living. I am not suggesting that we should have no hope, positivity or the motivation to work hard towards your goals. Instead I believe that all of us should strive to find what we truly want, and reach for it. Our wants is our purpose and meaning. This was my experience and I hope that yours is better than mine. I hope all is well to everyone.
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