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Before you read, If I see one single comment of God being helpful, I'm reporting. You're not cool, helpful, sweet, or the messenger of the gospel. Fuck off! <3
I am in high school, and I've been watching all my friends ever since Middle school getting into all this drama, Getting boyfriends/girlfriends, and just things I'm so lost in.
I have told my dad about how my best friend went from hating a girl to DATING HER in just a few hours, and all he did was say "haha, that's why people made Mean Girls. It's just girl stuff, and you don't even understand that!" like a joke.
I wasn't joking. I am still confused, and even questioning myself. I know I'm trans masc, but I still feel confused. Like How can your emotions change so quickly, What happened to hating on that girl, Why do I feel so annoyed with this? Maybe its just because I feel like My countless times being a therapist to my best friend after her girlfriend had hurt her in the past is just being thrown into the gutter for something that only will last a week? I don't know but I just feel like I don't fit in anywhere.
I don't physically, emotionally, or mentally act like a boy but I feel like one. I want to be one, I want to be treated like I am a real boy. But I don't look the part, so I'm just a weird socially-introverted and mentally ill tranny that can't hold eye contact for more than twelve seconds. But when I try to hang out with girls, I feel even worse. I don't understand how easy it is to fall in love, if I even can as I've never had any crush and have been judged for said never having a crush, I don't know what its like for heartbreak, I don't understand that nice feeling girls get when they find the one, I don't understand how they can just easily switch feelings like that, I don't understand anything of this. I know I want to learn psychology to understand others, but my dad and others telling me I am too "empathetic" to be a psychologist, I just feel like I am gonna be fucking screwed.
I don't even know if I can love, mind you. Sure, I've been described the feeling of love and dating countless times in countless ways. "Its like meeting your dream in real life", "You will know when you feel it", "It'll come one day", "You've just never met the right person", "It's like heaven in your own way", All that shit. I want that. I want that vague feeling only "special" people can get, I want that nice feeling of being safe and loved. I want to have that special somebody. But I guess I'm just unlucky, guess God just wanted to screw me over even FUCKING MORE. I just feel like a fucking freak for not having any knowing of what love is personally, I want it. I desire it. But Why the fuck can't I have it? What crime have I committed that's so treasonous, I can't love? What sin have I done that Condones this?? I don't fucking know. I wish I could but again, as stupid people have said before to me, "God works in mysterious ways."
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again, no God bullshit ! <3
ReplyOkay. You said your friend went from “hating” the girl to dating her, right? Love is a strong feeling, and hate is a strong feeling. They’re just 2 sides of the same feelings coin. Indifference is the absence of feelings. Like you describe yourself having. It’s a lack of care. Whether someone is hating you or loving you they’re showing you care on some level. Or else you simply wouldn’t exist to them. Maybe you don’t appear to be as you said, a “real boy” on the outside- emotionally you’re functioning like one who has yet to fall in love. I have sons, I saw them all before and after, and you’re describing yourself just like they were. Not saying guys don’t have feelings, they do! But they don’t LIVE in them, and fully function from them like females do. They are also under more pressure to hide or mask their feelings because of societal standards regarding how a “real” man should behave and express emotion. I think you would make an awesome psychologist if that’s what you wanted to do. Because empathy is a very important factor in giving guidance and support to people who are tangled up in their emotions. It’s a delicate balancing act you must hold in that role , being both empathetic to their plight, and objective at the same time. It’s almost like you’re expected to walk forwards and backwards at once. On very thin ice. You seem to have that combination naturally. Perhaps you would be an excellent therapist for the trans community one day. People want to feel understood without feeling judged. Aside from that, you already seem to have a good handle on what’s going to happen with your friend and this new girl. And it’s upsetting you…because you care about your friend. Which…guess what? Is a perfectly normal, decent human being thing to do. Whether you feel like a dude or a chick, it’s not what matters most. What matters most is simply being a good person.
I hope that helped a little. <3
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