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hey. first off i want to say that i dont want to be sober. you can talk all you want about how good it is, but i dont care. why? because i am. for the past 3 months i have been unable to be not sober in any circumstance. its a weird feeling. never being as calm. never being as happy. music not sounding that good. my head not being that clear. feeling suicidal. passively that is as i would never do it as to not make the people in my life sad. i feel that wanting to become sober is a privalage. unless its heroin or something super addictive, i think that the desire to be sober comes when you have it good for a while, and then you dont, and then you get to feel better sober than when you werent sober. why does there have to be a progression. even if its good to be sober, then why have i felt like shit every day of me being sober?
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This is the real deal here man. You’re right. It’s tough. When the dopamine circuits in our brain are “soothed” towards the perception of our personal life, and our personal life doesn’t reflect to (us) a life where we feel seen and heard adequately, we get mad, sad, and upset and the dopamine hit we experience through an external factor makes us feel better, less invisible, more distracted.
You know my friend, it’s weird though right? In my mind I’m like, “Wait, do I want to be a dictator? Do we all have a subconscious dictator complex where we all secretly want the world to revolve around us?” For what is external TO us to respond as we want or as we wish.
Can we beat our instincts? Can we hack our own brains to understand the drive behind reaching for a chocolate bar, why do we even have the thought of losing sentience crossing our minds? Is it an instinct to reproduce, are we wired where if we aren’t getting the adequate attention from the opposite gender we feel down? Is it loneliness? Which translates as not feeling protected? But if we feel the feeling of “not wanting to be here”, then wouldn’t we be fearless and happy in the external world, because the “worse” that could happen is what we are subconsciously wanting?
To be or not to be, is said to be the question that has plagued the greatest minds of all time.
Well I may be selfish, trapped in self-preservation but I say to be. Because you are awesome. An undercover warrior of strength and humility that is teaching the world a different way to BE.
You are someone who can have this “Stoic Joy” in indifference for outward validation now, because you have experienced enough, and thought about things enough; to almost have figured the mind of man.
We all talk about pretty much the same topics. We all pretty much desire the same things. Some want to be “slick” in “playing” others, but the question is “Who are we?” It’s not about who we “play”, who we can get to obsess about us, think about us, give us what we want, because what do we even actually want?
Fam stay in that thought, right that it feels impressive to see how hard people work to have the world all around us? I know times I have thought similar to your lines of logic I’m thought, “Man what drives all you people to work so hard, you done built an entire world, who makes all of this, and goodness what drives them and motivates them?”
I think I want to live in appreciation of them. The unseen. The hard workers that has made this world more of a heaven than the hell it used to be. How suffering doesn’t get to them. How ridicule doesn’t stop them. How rejection means nothing to them. They keep working, planting, sewing, cooking, building, trying to find ways to please others. I know how sensitive and easily affected I am by these things and it makes me admire them all the more.
It makes me admire YOU for being alive here with me on this earth.
You are strong. I seek to be more like you. You are strong, resilient, courageous, wise, and you love passionate and still love, without expecting anything in return. The genuine one here my friend, is YOU!
Thank you!
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