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This story has a lot of parts to it, so I will start with the background information.
[Background info]
So this started in late 2019; I was about 12 and I was going through a lot of difficult problems at this time of my life. Both of my grandfathers passed through traumatic sicknesses as well as personal family issues within my home because of the grief anger and issues within school and having no friends. I felt lonely and made a decision that still impacts me today- I went on YouTube to just listen to some music and found out you could chat in the live streams- a reminder that I was 12 lol.
Anyway, I loved it and I started finding myself going there on a regular. This led me to hide things because I have horribly strict parents and I was not allowed to have any form of social media. I knew this was bad and so I planned to not do it anymore; but then, of course, I met a friend, let's call him Allan. Allan was roughly a year older than me and found out that we usually come online at the same usually so we always talked. Eventually, we got really close and knew that talking in a chat wasn't really reliable. By this time I was 13 and we started talking on an app called Discord. He introduced me to his friend group where there were 2 other guys and girls. We all became super close. At about age 14; the group was still all together and Allan and I got very close and even 'dated' for about 3 months. However, in about February of 2021, Allan and I broke up because there was a lot of drama in our friend group and we figured it was for the best before things got so damaged we couldn't speak. About June of 2021, the group split up and all that was left was me and Allan again. We didn't talk as much anymore but always were there for one another.
Winter of 2022, I started dating a different guy we will call Sam, and this is probably the WORSE choice I have ever made in my life. In the beginning, it was great, but to be truthful, I really didn't know him all that well and was really just desperate now that I look back on it. In June of 2023, Sam became incredibly toxic and demanded I block everyone (specifically guys) and that I shouldn't talk to anyone but him. Mind you, I let him know I had guy friends, including Allan, and I never kept secrets from Sam. I had my boundaries and I was very loyal to Sam. In the end I ended up doing as Sam said and I was so distraught about it, that I blocked Allan without even telling him goodbye or why.
As months continued, Sam got worse and I was so ready to just leave him and leave Discord altogether. However, I met a friend of Sam's in about November of 2023. His friend understood where I was coming from and encouraged me to leave Sam and in December I broke up with Sam. However, instead of leaving I decided to stay friends with Sam's friend who helped me, we will call him Brian.
I made a new account and realized I could add Allan back as well as a couple of others. I added them to my new account hoping I could meet them once more and a couple of days later I got a text from Allan. We are now in January of 2024; I am 16 now and Allan just turned 18 on January 1st. We started talking a lot and started catching up on things.
In February, Allan and I were talking late at night, and I will admit I started to catch feelings for him, that I really believe I never lost, however, I never planned to tell him that. Although, to my surprise, he told me he liked me and that he never lost feelings for me. I was shocked but told him I felt the same.
However, because of age and time, we both decided to not get together as boyfriend and girlfriend. But at the same time, we didn't want to ignore how we felt about one another. We decided we would meet, and then decide from there. We live about a state away from each other and figured we had been friends for so long that this was just another obstacle in life.
[Current time]
I have found myself growing more and more in love with him and finding it harder to wait. At the same time, he has been gone a lot lately and not responding for days.
We talked and he informed me that he has been going through some things within himself that he needed to deal with. We started talking again until I expressed my worry about him. He said that I shouldn't worry about him and that I should focus on myself 100%. Which made me more worried and ironically more in love.
I don't know what to do or what to say anymore. He cares so much and I care so much. I love him so dearly and we have gone through so much together. I feel as though he really isn't okay.
He sends me love songs I can't stop listening to and shows he cares.
But I think he is scared.
Please give me advice.
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