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Hey, it's been a while. The last time we talked was 3 years ago in February. We were talking about getting boba tea, or actually, I had found an ad about our favorite boba tea place that was doing a special sale/bogo deal. I asked if you wanted to go check it out since we hadn't hung out in a bit. As much as you wanted to go, your family didn't allow it because the restrictions for covid got more strict again and they were nervous to let you go out. I mean, I understood. I even offered to just drop you off your favorite boba tea after going by myself. I think I just really wanted to see you. I missed being around my best friend. I was going through some things at that time, and I really just needed to be around you.
Realistically, I should've just messaged you or video called. I don't know why I didn't decide to just do that. I don't really know why I couldn't just message you that I finally broke up with that guy and was kinda going through it. I didn't tell you I was rebounding and I downloaded Tinder to meet other people. I didn't tell you that I had actually made a decent connection with one guy, but it never ended up working out because he couldn't do long-distance. Throughout that whole time, neither of us had reached out to each other, and I don't think I'll ever understand why.
The last time I remember actually reaching out to you was your birthday in April. I had gotten your gift ready weeks before. I included all your favorite things like face masks/skin care, your favorite candle and snacks, and even that one gouache pallette you've been trying to get for so long. I was excited to give you this present, and I messaged you on the day of your birthday to ask when I would be able to drop it off or if we could go out to celebrate.....but I never got a response. My message was never seen. I didn't want to show up at your house in case you were too busy or you just weren't home. I still tried reaching out to you through other platforms, but I still got nothing from you, which worried me.
There's a bunch of things that I could've done, and I regret not trying hard enough. I thought of asking our other friends if they had heard from you, but I didn't. I knew where your house was, and your family knew me, so showing up wouldn't have been too much of an issue, but I decided not too. This went on for days, and then weeks, up until you left all the group chats and deleted all your accounts 3 months later. That's when I finally asked everyone I could about what happened. They just told me that you decided to move to the states with your sister and that you also decided to stay off social media for a while. You gave 2 of our friends that information, but didn't say goodbye to anyone when you left. I can't help but feel like you abandoned me, but then again, I feel like I might've abandoned you.
The last time I saw you was while I was still with my ex, and it was during my 19th birthday. My mind keeps going to the thought of me giving more attention to that relationship even though it wasn't worth my time. I keep thinking that maybe he went behind my back and said something to you that grossed you out and that made you avoid me. I can't help but feel like I was a terrible best friend to you during that time. I'm so sorry if you needed me, and you just couldn't find the strength to reach out to me. I'm so sorry if you felt like I didn't see you as important. I'm so sorry for if I made it seem like I didn't need you. I know I could've done better.
The moment I found out that you left without saying goodbye, I felt resentment. I felt that, out of everyone, I should've been the one to know you were leaving to start a new chapter in your life. I realize now that it was an understandable response from me, but I still feel guilty. I feel like if I did more, I'd still be in contact with my best friend of 10 years. I'd be able to tell you about everything that's happened. You'd be able to celebrate all of those accomplishments with me. I know that this letter or my thoughts may never reach you, but if we ever do end up reconnecting, know that I will never take you for granted again. I miss you so much and one thing that I want most is for the person who has been there for me through thick and thin, my childhood friend, my soul sister, Leo, to be a part of my life again.
If there's one thing that I want to let you know, it's that I'm now 21 weeks pregnant. Now, if I was having a girl, I'd definitely name her Leona/Leonilyn, after you. But since I'm having a boy, my husband had already had a first name picked out. We're naming him after his childhood best friend. He didn't lose him in the same way that I lost you, if anything, it was much worse, but that's why he's choosing to name our child after him. On the subject of naming our kid after our best friends, I think we'll still decide to give him a middle name after you. Either Leo or Leon, I'm still deciding what sounds best for the full name.
I wish you could be here to meet him. You'd make a great auntie. But hey, who knows? Maybe one day. I can only hope. Again, I miss you very much, but I hope that you're doing okay. I hope your happy and healthy, and that whatever you're doing in life is going good. For all I know, you probably already opened up that cafe you've always wanted. Thank you for being a part of my life for 10 years.
Love, Raven.
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