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I’ve been a long distance platonic relationship with my best friend for about 8 years now. A few months ago I set him up with my girl friend who goes to school with me.
3 weeks after I got them talking, my girl friend develops feelings for him, and my best friend confesses that what he feels for me isn’t platonic and asked if we could be more than friends after his military service.
Understand that my best friend and I have always been strictly platonic. We met once in person when we spent summer in the same country when we were 14. We both come from conservative cultures and we never physically spent time together since that summer afternoon we spent together, so there was no issue with attraction getting in the way of our friendship. I told him that I’d be leaving the next day so we decided to exchange instas and keep in touch about anime and books we wanted to recommend to each other. Also understand that I’m not the type to talk to friends through texting or social media at all. I’m just too lazy to do so. My friends around me get mad at me a lot for not replying in group chats and my family gets mad when I don’t reply either. And yet, he got me talking and calling him for 8 years. Talking to him never felt like a chore. We always made it clear that we were platonic soulmates, he called us that. I was never interested in romance and dating, I was quite busy. And he was always in a relationship. I thought he was good looking but I didn’t really think he was attractive or popular type. He was on the skinny side, and his interests and hobbies weren’t the typical boy things either. So I was surprised to see him get 2-3 girl friends in a span of months. Based on the all the girls he dated and flirted with, I was definitely not his type and he knows that I’m not interested in dating at all.
We always joked around that in the friendship, I was more of a guy than he was, and he was more of a girl than I was. (I don’t mean anything sexist by that, that’s just what we’d say to each other). He always called me his lifeline, his pillar, he was always more expressive with his appreciation for me than I ever was, but I did my best to show that he was the only thing keeping me from drowning at the bottom of the ocean.
So you see, I was always sure we were platonic, which was why we were comfortable expressing to each other how much we loved each other and what we mean to one another. Because we know that that’s all there is to it. And because it’s been like that the past 8 years, I didn’t really think that’d change.
Almost 2 years ago, before he started his military service, we talked about the depressing realization that we wouldn’t be this close forever. Once we both get married to other people, we can’t be each other’s priorities anymore. It was sad, but I accepted that we would just have to be less than what we are now. He may not be the first person I go to for good or bad news, but he’ll be the first to know after I tell my family and I still want him to be there for big events. But then he said, that if I were to get married, it might be to painful for him, and he doesn’t think he’d be able to stay. Back then, I thought he meant that he wouldn’t be able to stand seeing me prioritize someone else. But I later found out I was wrong.
Continuing the conversation, he said the only way for us to keep what he have now is if we, get married. In my head that was a no go so I came to terms with the fact that I’d have less of him in the future.
This conversation happened before I set him up with my friend.
Fast forward to the night he confessed, I had to do the painful thing of rejecting him. He accepted it gracefully, although he did voice out his pain. We became normal again, ish. He was back to being cheery and would even make jokes about how I rejected him. He’d also express his affection to me which I was against. About 2 weeks after his first confession, he asks again a second time. And this time, things don’t end well, we end up arguing for a bit. I suggested that we the best I could give him was that we could test to see if we could be more than friends by going on a few dates after his military service and after I finish the program I am taking abroad (I figured that maybe by then, he’d lose feelings for me already). Because neither of us are in a position right now who can think about dating anyway.
Apparently he didn’t like this. He wanted me to promise him a relationship once he we meet again. I couldn’t promise that. He only has a few months left. And I still have a year and a half left before I get the time to see him. What if while waiting for me, he meets someone amazing and better, and yet the stupid promise would keep him from that person. I didn’t want a promise like that to force either of us to have feelings for each other. And I made that clear to him. And then he became upset. Which made me upset, because it was as if he expected me to reciprocate his feelings and made me feel bad that I didn’t, when I shouldn’t feel bad, because that’s just the truth. I knew for sure that I didn’t see him that way, and I couldn’t lie to him. It was why we were able to stay friends for so long, because I never had to lie or pretend when it came to him.
He said that he thinks it’s best that we’ll just talk again after he’s done with his service and I’m done with my program.
But I know we won’t have what we used to anymore. I had felt as if I had lost my best friend the day he confessed.
It’s been 2 months now since that last talk and email. And I still miss him terribly, and it doesn’t feel like it’s gonna get better any time soon.
It’s not like we became enemies. It’s not like we hate each other and wanted to hurt each other. And yet we can’t bring ourselves to be friends the way we used to be.
I reached out once more through email, in an attempt to unpack a few things with hopes that we work it out, but I was quite disappointed in the way he responded. It was as if he didn’t want things to work out anymore. It didn’t feel like it was my best friend who responded to me. We knew each other so well that if I were handed 10 essays with each paragraph written by a different person, I’d know which was his. (Trust me, something like this happened before) and yet, the response I got was as if I was talking to a stranger.
This is my first heartbreak and I don’t know if I’m content with leaving things this way.
I know he did say we’d talk once we’re both done with our stuff, but I don’t know. I want to reach out, but I don’t even know what to say.
I still feel bad about hurting him through my rejection. I keep thinking that maybe had I not set him up with that friend, he wouldn’t have confessed. Maybe if I recognized sooner that his “I love you”s were beginning to be romantic and not platonic. Maybe if I just convinced myself to like him. I could’ve saved us both this pain.
I need to know what to do before I go crazy reading our old messages and watching our old calls.
I can stand either choice. Leaving things as they are, or trying to get my best friend back. I can do either as long as I make my mind up and set my heart on it. If you guys have other ideas, I’m all ears.
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It seems that he wants to either marry you or move on. He doesn't want to be left in the friend zone and continue with the friendship. You should leave him alone for now and see if he wants to be friends again. If he doesn't it would be best for you to move on.
ReplyIn my humble opinion - this seems like a codependent relationship wrapped in a "friend zoned" relationship, which also in my humble opinion, neither are particularly healthy, and both people in the relationship are participants. In my life experience, your thought that things would eventually grow distant the day you get married to someone else and vice versa, spot on, especially once you have your spouse and children. In my humble opinion, again, since this young man wants romance and you do not, it would probably be better to take a long break from each, live life, and let him move on. Best of luck.
Courtesy notice: the following includes a reference to a book that contains writings over 2000 years old which are mostly parables about human nature, both vile human nature as well as moral human nature, parables that are meant to teach us to learn and grow, including the teachings of Christ Jesus. No religion required, and better yet: no public displays of devotion required, although the former and latter are admirable if practiced freely out of one's own free will and without the threat of being beheaded. Some bullies will label this "trolling", so "change the channel" now if of no interest to you.
1 Thessalonians 5:11
Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.
Mark 12:28-31
And Christ Jesus said the 2 greatest commandments are:
Love God first and foremost.
Love your fellow-being as you love yourself.
From following or not following these, all good or evil cascades, respectively.
Love...that powerful, invisible, intangible force that cannot be denied; even atheists live and die by it.
Mary, Mother of Christ, intercede for us with your prayers, now, and always.
And after our worst deeds - never forget God forgives us when we repent through Christ Jesus.
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