A Vent of the Heart

"I'd like to clarify that even to this day both of them don't know I have these feelings, so no betrayal happened from either of them. "

It's been two weeks since the start of this story, a still happening and very recent event.

I don't usually talk freely about my feelings and this kind of feeling especially and what has become of it. I just really need to get it off my chest and I will never allow a living soul who knows me hear this, because it involves my best friend who I love and a guy I really care for. I realized I liked this guy a little too late, due to the fact I have a really hard time emotionally being numb or unavailable. So, in reality I know right now I'm not suited to be anyone's partner the way I am maturity wise. Which means this guy has every right to date or see anyone else, because I believe it's selfish to hold someone back due to your own insecurities or you just plain not being ready. Anyways, we used to call and text every day, even now we do but it's very robotic and minimal of good mornings and nights, but that will be explained later in this post. One day I was with my best friend, and I introduced them, since both of them were deemed good friends of mine, that I cared about. Right away they got along. Sometimes even my best friend and him talking nonstop while I sit next to them not really knowing a good time to butt in. When this started happening, I got a little sting in my chest but just deemed it that I felt left out and that was all it was. Soon enough they were talking phone number to phone number and things proceeded quickly, both very flirtatious and mildly seductive after 4-5 days. When I was talking to this guy, I just felt so uncomfortable because when he was talking about his interest and how pretty she was I felt jealous and sad. I got scared and anxious feeling this way because this girl was my best friend and I hated feeling any sort of negativity towards either of them but especially her. So, one day "I joked" about having to take a couple step backs from him and he kept asking why? He said just because he was interested in my best friend doesn't mean we can't keep being the same type of friendship as before since he knew me longer. I told him I have anxious attachment issues and get hurt easily. Pretty much used any excuse in the book to make him deem me as emotionally unstable, due to a self-destructive characteristic I have that is also something I'm working on plus the fact I did have a crush on him that I now needed to heal and kill through space. He told me he understood, but even in the back of my mind I wish i could still text him normally to this day, which i know and deem as toxic behavior. It's just when we texted, he did the same type of texting, you know the whole "fight me and oh I'll drop your ass" but he also did it with her in a flirtatious way. I know I'm an overthinker, but I felt awkward doing the same stuff he was doing with my best friend, even if one was out of romantic interest and other was out of friendship so I just changed my texting style. Didn't fight back with him. I told him I had homework and gave him and her space to talk freely without having to worry about texting me back, while also giving me time to think. I really truly want it to work out, but when I text her, I can't help but just feel sad. The knowing of it hurts, but I'm a person who would crush all of my interests to allow her to be happy. Even now I think all of these emotions are slowly draining me. I don't mind losing the guy friend because the way we text now, it feels like were strangers again, but I don't ever want to lose her or make her feel any sort of way about this situation. I believe telling her about my crush would be like trying sabotage a relationship that might turn out to be one of the best she's had, and both of them are good people. So, I'm writing it hear as an obituary to this crush. To wish both of them happiness and to also get advice about how to go about everything at this point. I've already distanced myself pretty much completely from the guy, but what about her?