Z.

It's been nearly two months since I've seen him. I'm sure he's found someone by now, which would explain the absence. Yes, wrestling season might be coming to a close but I doubt that's why the absence has endured.

The unselfish part of me wants him to find someone lovely. The selfish part--the part that feels entitled to it--feels that I deserve some kind of face to face farewell. I hate that I never know when the last time I'd see him would be. There are things I want to tell him. There are things I want to thank him for. It's not fair that [she?] gets to swoop in and take that moment away from me. But it's also not fair to be so selfish. People meet at serendipitous moments and I should be the last thing on someone's mind at that time. But he was such an important part of my journey. He healed my feminine spirit. If I told him that, would he get freaked out? Are Libra men guarded against affection?

I'm sure he's found someone else to talk to about religion and life. I'm sure I'm a dust mote in comparison to who he decided to be with. I'm sure she's 5'0--short girls and redheads always win the game--and looks up at him the way I wish I could. He's shorter than I am--something that kind of freaks me out--but I'm able to avoid that distraction when I'm sitting.

Anyway, I'm rambling just to get this out because I'm feeling sad today. Things like this always come to an end before I'm ready. For once, I'd like to stick to someone. I'd like someone to meet me and think, "Woah. I'll keep her around." But no. I'm simply a novelty to everyone: the unobtainable unicorn that nobody wants anyone else to see or have. What must go through their minds? Do they want to unfiltered version of me? Do they want that power? Do they want me to speak my mind?

I don't want to be that for anyone. I just want to be myself.